Wednesday, December 30, 2009

slave's Punishment - pt 3 of 3

Well, the punishment period ended and thus my requirement of chastity as ordered by Mistress Kristian. It was difficult and very frustrating! However, i ended up going a "extra" day due to the state of mind that the enforced chastity induced. In the end, as i knew i would, i was weak and succumbed to my urges (during the re-reading of one of my favorite toilet slave stories). i have mixed feelings about the experience but Mistress has said that all is well again and the slave has made up for its failures. Thank You Mistress Kristian and again, please accept my apologies for disappointing You!!!

Why do i have mixed feelings? In terms of punishment, chastity is effective for sure. Especially for a slave such as i who ends up pleasuring itself to various internet stimuli often. However, it was not all "punishment" as it awakened feelings and led to further slave-awareness. i'm not sure this was the intention of Mistress's instructions, although it very well could have been given Her superior intelligence. i have written about the state of mind or "attitude adjustment" experienced as the slave progressed through its chastity in the other punishment postings. However, some points may bear repeating. i truly can see why many Mistresses feel that prolonged chastity on their male slaves is effective at slave control and torment. i "enjoyed" (probably not the correct word... more like "took pride" in) the feeling of my utter desire to serve Mistress Kristian during my discipline. Had She been available, i would have been completely desperate to serve Her. i really cannot fully describe my state of mind other than to say i was completely preoccupied with thoughts of receiving Mistress Kristian's wastes and being Her slave (toilet or any other way She saw fit to use me)!!! Well, not completely as total sexual frustration was always present, especially during my thoughts of toilet service! This, i believe, is the paradox of chastity and why Mistresses feel it effective in controlling slaves. The slave is desperate for a release and believes that the only way it would be allowed to experience it is through devoted service to its Goddess. However, as Goddess see's how compliant the slave becomes, due in part to its frustration and hope of release through good service, its Goddess decides to keep the slave in its compliant and devoted state. As such, a cycle of torment for the slave may begin. Devoted service to hopefully obtain release and kept in chastity in order to remain a devoted slave. On one hand, i feel for the slave in such a predicament and on the other, envy of the slave to be so owned by its Mistress. As a side thought to the subject of prolonged chastity, although i've never been a "cuckhold", i can see how this would be a truly effective means for a Goddess to "mentally" torture and physically torment Her slave (in prolonged chastity) as well.

As the follower of this blog probably already knows, Mistress Kristian owns the right to share me with as many of Her Goddess friends as She would like (separately, in a group, or at a Mistress party/gathering). Thus far, She has not exercised this right. The thought of being forced to be a toilet to several Women is frightening and exciting. However, i honestly don't know if i could go though it without being properly prepared. i truly think that a period of chastity would be in order to be properly prepared for such a service to Goddess Kristian (although i also hope to not have to endure such preparation and simply "put" in to such service if She should ever exercise Her right to "loan" the slave).

i am also very hesitant to reveal the following thoughts. However the slave promised Mistress Kristian, when it entered the Contract, to be open and honest in this blog about its feelings, thoughts, and emotions. i am extremely hesitant to write this because it could, possibly, come true one day. While the thought of even deeper and more dedicated service to Mistress Kristian (especially as an "objectified" toilet) is thrilling; i also believe i would come to "regret" the revelation below. After evaluating present circumstances, however, (given the current distance between Mistress & slave and Mistress's other commitments) the slave is fairly certain that it is relatively safe in revealing its thoughts. i have used the time since my punishment to reflect on my emotions, thoughts, and feelings experience both during my discipline and post-punishment. i believe that total enforced chastity on a slave provides a Mistress with full control and a greater depth of Ownership of the toilet. As such, i can conceive of this slave eventually giving up all rights and decisions regarding its sexual release (and thus enforced chastity) to its Mistress in order to gain acceptance as a frequently used full toilet! In my submissive/slave mind, i can see me giving all control of when/if i am allowed any form of sexual release in exchange for being a frequently used ("steady use") toilet... bringing Ownership and control of not only my toilet opening but my genitals as well, to Mistress Kristian. The thought is both thrilling and scary. i'm sure, if such a scenario would ever happen, i would soon come to "regret" my decision. i can foresee the circle of torment described above (dedicated service, hope for gratification, denial by Goddess to remain fully compliant, dedicated service, hope, etc) transpiring for real. This slave, i'm sure, would soon become desperate for self-release and regret ever typing these words. On the other hand, the slave would be so dedicated to Mistress Kristian and the honor of being Her toilet, i'm sure it would continue to endure. As i said earlier, the thought of such a depth of Ownership thrilling and utterly scary at the same time!!! Mistress would then not only own me as a full consumption frequent use toilet but the slave's ability to experience "physical pleasure" as well. Fortunately, given the distance and current circumstances, i feel relatively safe in the fact that this possibility will stay safely in my "masturbatory fantasies". The reality of such a situation would, no doubt, be very different than that which resides in my slave/submissive mind.



On a different note, i wish Mistress Kristian a very Happy and Healthy New Year! i hope that 2010 brings You much joy and happiness. The slave longs to see and serve You, Dear Goddess, very soon. The slave thinks and dreams often of taking its rightful place beneath You and to feel the honor of Your Ownership! Being Your toilet, Mistress Kristian, is a heartfelt honor and submitting to Your disposal requirements, a true privilege. i can only hope that soon Mistress Kristian will again have the time available to own and use this toilet as it should be used... an object to dispose of, and be nourished by, Your most Divine wastes.

Thank You for 2009, Mistress Kristian. i sincerely and with all of my being look forward to serving You in 2010.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Holiday Wishes

Mistress Kristian,

i most humbly and respectfully wish You a wonderful Christmas Holiday season !!! It is my deepest hope that Your Christmas gatherings are filled with the joy of family and friends. May the coming New Year bring You greater happiness than ever before. i wish You safe travels to all Your Holiday destinations, wherever they may be.

i long to serve You, Mistress Kristian, and serve You well. my Holiday wish is to serve beneath You for many seasons to come in a manor that brings pleasure to Mistress Kristian and honor to the slave. i sincerely hope to see You before the New Year so that i may take my place beneath You to receive the gifts that You provide your slave. The time spent away from service; difficult. The rewards of service to You; great. If the slave is lucky, Mistress will have time for it next week. The slave yearns to please You with its service, continue to grow in its role, and dreams of the next meeting.

Thank You, Mistress Kristian, for taking me under Your “wing” and accepting me as a bathroom slave. i hope beyond hope to serve You before the New Year !


Merry Christmas & a Most Happy New Year !!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Modified Photos... slave Bench

Mistress was not particularly impressed with my initial postings of the new toilet bench. She thought that it should have shown more of the slave rather than all of the slave being blacked out. As per Her instructions, i am uploading modified photos of the slave bound for service to Mistress Kristian at O/our last session. Hopefully, there will be additional sessions/services coming in the near future! i am missing Goddess terribly. i count the days until i am again in my proper place beneath Her!!














slave's Punishment - pt 2

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Saturday, December 19, 2009

slave's Punishment - pt 1

Mistress Kristian advised of my punishment on Monday. i purchased a chastity device from stockroom and my punishment was to be in chastity from Monday until Sunday. Unfortunately, the device i bought was basically crap. It would either not stay secure or if it did, turned in to a testicular crusher. For the money i spent, it was very disappointing. i am in the process of looking at others and will do some research on a BDSM lifestyle site or two.

However, in an effort to please Mistress, i "enforced" chastity upon myself this week without the aid of a chastity device..... but it is certainly not the same. In some ways, it's better (maybe) and in some, not nearly as effective.

First, let me say that this is the longest i've ever gone without at least some manual "release". Usually, it's no more than a a couple days. In that regard, it has been "interesting". Unfortunately, i can't control having or not having an erection. So, my "enforced" chastity still allows for me to become aroused. This is the down side. The positive, in terms of punishment, is that i am frustrated. i don't know if frustrated is a strong enough word. Not sure if their is a word strong enough. Utterly and fully frustrated may be better, but even that does not do it justice. The nights are the worst but the days are difficult too. i find myself daydreaming at work about Mistress and the services i love to provide Her and the arousal starts. A good "waft of air" can cause arousal. i can't wait for my release. But then again, in this state, i am so much more in tune to the gratification of Mistress and being Her toilet.

It's hard to explain, but the longer i go, the more i am in utter need of being under Her. At night, i dream and dream a lot. i dream of things experienced at the hands of Mistress Kristian and those not yet experienced... of services not yet required by Mistress. i find dreams of being a "public" toilet to Mistress and Her friends to be a recurring dream. There are others as well. Of being a foot slave to Mistress and perhaps Her friends (passes from one to the other, to worship all feet in all states of scents).... once even dreaming i was to "service" another of Her slaves after its own chastity (and i do not think i'm bi and have never serviced another's "manhood"). The common thread though is the fact that i awake with an erection. An erection i cannot allow myself to do anything about because of my commitment to Mistress Kristian and Her instructions (today, my testicules began to physically ache... i'm sure a condition that is basically "blue balls" from my lack of release and ease & duration of arousal). At least if i were in actual chastity device, i would not become physically excited. Yes, i'm sure the mental would still be there but the physical would be hindered. Maybe that would make it easier. Maybe harder. Who knows. Right now i am at least experiencing a small amount of pleasure through my arousal so perhaps a device would be more difficult. Somehow, i'm sure i will find out!

Monday, December 7, 2009

2ed Attempt at a toilet slave Box

i thought i would submit an update to outline my second attempt at a toilet slave bench. i think i'm close to a final design as this one worked fairly well. Given that i am a pretty wide person in the shoulders, i'm going to really need to go wider on the bench and probably the box. This may cause some additional issues, as my bathroom is only "so wide". However, i'm hoping that around 4 more inches will suffice.

The first pic is the box and plywood bench itself. The next 2 are from my last service session to Mistress Kristian. i think that overall She was happy with Her slave's efforts, though "tweaks" are still needed. Most of the light is cut out once Mistress closes Her slave in to the box, though some still comes in from the back of the box. However, Mistress is able to shut the lid and really treat Her slave as a toilet... much more so than the chair i uploaded down below. Overall, Mistress seemed pleased with Her slave's efforts, which in turn made the slave extremely happy!!! Pleasing Mistress Kristian truly pleases the slave! The best part of this journey is the efforts to become, as closely as possible, a true toilet slave to Mistress... learning new ways to be objectified by Her as an object to be used.... the goal of which is to become Her perfect toilet! i have learned a great deal thus far... of myself, my Goddess, and of the design of BDSM equipment. i am truly blessed to be in the service of the Supreme Goddess, Mistress Kristian!!!













Sunday, December 6, 2009

Travels / Continued Disappoint With myself / & Gratitude

i hate traveling sometimes!! i had to go to upstate NY and Canada for work last week and i always come back with a "bug". This time its a chest cold that i can't seem to kick. Nice yucky stuff being coughed up (often)!! Not sure if its the plane rides or just the change in climate but it never seems to fail to mess with my nose and chest when i go up north.

i await Mistress Kristian's discipline instructions in order to atone for my mistakes. As per Her instructions, i purchased a chastity device and i believe that this will be a factor in my punishment. i still feel incredibly disappointed in myself as a sub/slave for upsetting Mistress Kristian!! i have, from Day 1, strove to be one of Her most valued slaves and i let both Her and myself down. For this, i am truly sorry and await my means of redemption. The simple fact that i upset Goddess is punishment enough for this slave. Some say that verbal discipline can be more harsh than physical and, for me at least, i think it is true. i require of myself the best possible effort and Mistress Kristian's "words" of rebuke hurt just as a lash would; cut just as surly as a blade. i truly love to serve as Mistress Kristian's toilet slave! It has been one of the deepest experiences of my life. i am honored to receive Her wastes (especially Her brown deposits) and consume Her wastes in to my body. Some people may think of it as a "sexual fantasy" and for some, it is. For me, though, it is much deeper than that with Mistress Kristian. It is more of a deep feeling of service and the worship of a true Goddess. Sure, at times there is a bit of a sexual arousal during my service. This is why i wear my Kali's Teeth chastity device (uploaded in November for anyone who doesn't know what it is) during my toilet service. However, often i do not begin to get hard. The service i am performing for Her is much deeper and gratifying than a simple "sexual charge". i would be just as happy, just as fulfilled, through the my service session with my pants kept on! If i should get "excited" though, i am happy that i am bound, most likely with the Kali's on, and unable to "pleasure" with myself. i should not receive a sexual reward! my reward, as it would be for any TRUE toilet slave (not just a toilet games player), is the intimate and useful service i am providing to Mistress Kristian by giving Her a slave to deposit Her waste in to rather than a conventional commode. She deserves to sit and use a slave. She deserves to have the superiority over Her slaves to use them for one of the most submissive of acts in the BDSM scene. She deserves to have Her waste worshiped and consumed by Her slaves. Goddess Kristian deserves the use of toilet slaves!!! It is my deep honor and privilege to provide Her with a toilet slave to use.

my shoulder, which the reader may recall as one of the contributing factors to my failing Mistress, is still not 100% but getting better. i've got an appointment with a GP physician (can't see the orthopedic guy without a referral). i think its fine, at least for the short term. However, in speaking with some other people, they thought it might not be a bad idea to see a Dr and get the ball rolling. Perhaps a little physical therapy will be required but if it helps to post post shoulder surgery for many more years its worth it!! i know someone who just let things go and what could have been fixed with a little PT became a real pain in the ass shoulder surgery later in life. i guess i shouldn't be so stubborn but i hate going to the Doctor. Always have. Part of me thinks i should be tough enough to not need them and just deal with it. We'll see what he says i guess. May be nothing but a little time to heal up and a few exercises.