Year of Service

Somedays

2011-03-11T02:11:00.000-08:00

It seems that i always here.... "someday this or someday that".... most of us do it. The other night i was reflecting on a few "somedays" from the vanilla world and the "somedays" of a toilet slave.........

World: Someday, I'm going to own a huge house with a wonderful view of the mountains/ocean/etc.

toilet: Someday, the only room i'll see again is my toilet room and perhaps my closet with my cage during times released from service.

World: Someday, I'll have a huge lot with many acres to roam.

toilet: Someday, i'll know only bondage to my toilet bench and my cage and perhaps a piece of exercise equipment to keep the slave healthy.

World: Someday, I will eat only at the 5 star restaurants, drink high quality wine... the best of the best.

toilet: Someday, i shall eat and drink of the highest quality as a permanent disposal toilet prepared and delivered by the Divine One's body and by those She so chooses to allow to use Her toilet. Small meals of bland foods such as beans, rice, and greens (with no dressings of course) as a supplement to keep the slave healthy and functional but disposing of Her wastes regularly.

World: Someday, I will have unbelievably great sex every day.

toilet: Someday, Maitresse may never allow me to have another orgasm again. She may have me service and pleasure Her male and Female friends, Domme's and slaves but any pleasure of my own may be denied at Her discretion alone.

World: Someday I will be respected and admired by many.

toilet: Someday, i will become nothing but a piece of furniture that serves a purpose... an afterthought.... very much something She owns that is used for its function.

toilet: Someday, i'll be owned, used, thought of, and regarded as a toilet... not even a toilet slave but a toilet in Her home to be available and used as required..... (i hope) :)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i'm very surprised, especially in the BDSM community but even in the vanilla world, that more Women do not find joy, power, and pleasure in using a toilet slave. What sense of power and ownership of another must she feel? The level of devotion of a slave to long and desire to serve its Goddess as a disposal mechanism would, i think, give Her such a feeling of supremacy and power unlike most all others. i am always surprised at how few Domme's, Mistresses, or Goddesses in general do not demand such servitude.

i'm also surprised, though also glad, that so few slaves, subs, and men in general are unwilling to serve in such a manor. If one professes to "worship Her" what could express that worship to a maximum level than becoming Her toilet slave. Eating and drinking from within Her... a meal and its wine more truly prepared by Her than any table meal could ever be, is truly an honor. A meal prepared not by mere hands but by Her body itself... allowed to take a part of Her that was prepared from deep within Goddess's own body to become part of the slaves... more of a privilege than most have the capacity to comprehend.

i am blessed...... truly and utterly blessed... to just know Maitresse and infinitely more so to serve Her through toilet servitude. i long each day to again be under Her, beneath Her, serve Her. Thank You dear Goddess for being allowed in to a part of Your world... i count the seconds until i am again bound in servitude to You.

Feb Post

2011-02-14T03:11:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how much and how often i think of Maitresse. Often they are of just Her... what is She doing, is She having a good day, etc. However, i also think (and dream) a great deal of servitude. Does She have a proper toilet at Her "disposal" today, does She think of me and if so, what does She think of me. These are the types of questions. i also, of course, think of the act(s) themselves... of being fed and hydrated by my Supreme Goddess. However, i often ponder why i am so drawn to Her and why she keeps me "around" as a slave. The answer is, i think, we are very alike though in opposite directions (Domme & slave). For me, it's much deeper than receiving the actual "act". That is highly important... taking Her wastes and using them to nourish my own slave body. Being used to dispose of Her royal waste the pinochle of a toilet's existence and function... a toilet such as i. Maitresse as well enjoys the act of using another for such an intimate and submissive function. Much has been written on this topic and i won't take up more of the reader's time with this though (at least for now).

The real topic of this blog is the other aspects of my slavery and why i think Maitresse and i are so compatible. First, please allow me to say that it appears a dream may in fact come true. i may end up being a toilet to Maitresse for several days!!! Maitresse seems to be really in to this idea and that pleases me greatly (as i want to please Her greatly). Bound, locked, ignored, and forgotten are a huge part of the my slave desires, longing, and in fact being. More importantly, Maitresse greatly enjoys this aspect as well. She is a kind Goddess and worries of Her slave's well-being. Sometimes to the point of sacrificing Her enjoyment of the session, i believe. It is my hope that She can cease viewing Her slave as a human and more of a thing as soon as it enters service. i try hard to reach that point myself... not being an i, me, etc but an "it". i love the thought of Goddess not even thinking of me while in service and definitely not caring of my plight during a use. i feel that the blocking off of the slave's body during a session has added more to this aspect and kept away from the rest of the house even more so... no visual or audio stimulation... simply locked away to be of use when needed. i believe that Maitresse enjoys this part as well... very much so in fact. i hope that She becomes comfortable enough to leave me when She wants and without my even knowing. i love the thoughts of Her being "out and about", doing Her thing and smiling at the fact that a toilet is locked away at home. While such sessions carry some risk, i freely and without hesitation submit to those risks. i love the fact that Maitresse would have such power over another... to completely relegate them to an "it"... to a thing locked away. i believe this to be one of the most sincere, deepest forms of slavery. i believe Maitresse finds the thought to be highly pleasurable. i do hope She can "let Herself go" in a long session and enter that state of mind that She truly owns a "thing". i want Her to experience the high of owning another in such a deep manor... to control them in such a deep manor that they are a part of Her home... not a human... their very nourishment provided by Her and Her bodies wastes no longer needed. i believe that Maitresse continues to use this unworthy slave for just such a desire. my humble opinion being that W/we both seek the same thing... to explore and achieve the deepest level and ownership possible. i wonder, dream, and worry of being presented with the option to being a full-time toilet (or part-time "full-time") to Her. i know i would jump at the chance but would i regret it. Probably not :) i hope She will continue this journey of discovery and i hope to be allowed to come along as the "lab rat".

i hope You have a most wonderful Valentine's Day, dear Goddess

First Service of the New Year

2011-01-03T16:43:00.000-08:00

Today i was blessed with a session with my Beloved One. It was, of course, very wonderful to see Her although only for a short while. Mistress also made it absolutely clear that a failure to consume and consume as naturally as possible would be supremely disappointing to Her. Honestly, i did not want to know exactly what that meant. i was scared that it could mean banishment from serving Her which would be a horrible fate!!!

It was only for a few hours i would would be serving but i must say, this session was wonderful !! It is becoming more and more of an undertaking to get everything set up but once done, i truly do begin to feel as if i am a toilet slave that is forgotten within the house until needed. i think the sheet/curtain that separates the slave's body from the toilet box works nicely to further objectify the toilet. i also made a few adjustments with towels to support my shoulders and elevate the head a little more. These adjustments really seemed to make a difference. i was more comfortable than ever before. As a recap, Mistress stayed a few hours and "watered" Her toilet two times (one was very full indeed as She had been holding it for a good while). i had no issues with the golden wine at all. In fact, Maitresse could have actually urinated faster than She did. Mistress was, i'm sure, looking after Her toilet and wanted to make sure it did not become choked. Given that speech was forbidden, i did not mention to Her that She could have went faster if She desired and very soon i was again left to my thoughts. i was also blessed with a feeding from Mistress. i believe i did much better. She wanted to go as "naturally" as possible and i took 3 feeding "spurts". i did gag some but there was no way in this world i was going to use my safe word. i was determined that "come hell or high water" i would take all She gave. However, very abruptly, She got up and went to the bathroom to finish. This action scared me to DEATH. i lay there wondering if i had gagged to much and She felt i was not up to the task... was Mistress completely pissed at Her slave and done with it?? There were a hundred thoughts racing through my head each faster than the other. All i could do was lay in my toilet and wonder what was happening. i honestly felt that "it was over".... i would no longer be a toilet to Mistress. Truth be told, i was starting to become emotional in that i was bound and could not find out what was happening. Shortly after Goddess returned and said i was being released. i asked for permission to speak and asked if i had upset Her. Mistress believed that the volume, given that it was very loose and somewhat watery, would have been to difficult to control and not overfill my toilet opening and thus make a mess. She has said that i did not upset Her (i asked several times trying to make sure given my over-riding fear of disapointing Her).

In terms of consumption and ability, i honestly feel that this session was probably my best ever. i am still not 100% convinced i have not disappointed my Supreme Goddess though. Up until the point i thought i may have failed it was the best session every. More than ever before... given the sensory deprivation of not hearing anything but the heater working, very little light to judge time, additional bondage of my legs, and total indifference by Mistress during initial golden and even the brown until She got up... i felt i was truly a toilet. i knew beforehand that i would only be in service for a couple hours but i honestly had no idea how long it had been. It exceptianally hard to judge time with the set up currently in use (which is part of the point). To me, the sensory deprivation is a large part of the experience. i began to slip in to the wondering of what it would be like to be in such a position for extended use. While difficult and boring, i was left longing more than ever to be a toilet slave. i had not provided myself a "self release" for several days and i was more excited after the session than i had been in a long time (although i have not reased as of this writing to maintain my thoughts). The chastity device during the session did a good job as i tried to become very aroused several times and felt its "bite". i am still concerned that i failed Mistress again. i wanted Her to be able to use me with little to no regard. However, She still felt She had to get up and use the commode. i hope She is truly not upset or otherwise disappointed with me. Although She says its fine, i'm so concerned with not disappointing Her ever again that it does cast a cloud over the service. i hope and pray She is indeed good with Her toilet's performance !!!! i think that based upon this session that i am becoming a proficient toilet.... i have a little ways to go to get "over the top of the hump" but i can foresee my final proficiency at any time.

i thank my dear Goddess for Her time and for Her use. i find meaning and purpose in my servitude to Her and long for greater depths of use. i had thought of examining the texture of my feeding in this blog as it was somewhat different than before, but i feel that such thoughts should not examined here. Maitresse, if i am in fact a disappointment to You i truly and deeply apologize. i hope You have not given up on Your toilet slave. My ultimate goal, as W/we have discussed, is to be the best toilet slave You have ever owned. i believe i am coming closer to that goal with each service. Thank You again Goddess. Receiving Your wastes from Your most divine body is a wonderful and prized way to begin the new year !!!!!!!!! You are most adored, admired, respected, and worshiped !!!!!!!!!!!!

Addressing Maitresse's Concerns

2010-12-31T08:03:00.000-08:00

Maitresse, in Her kind nature of being concerned for Her property, has expressed a concern and instructed Her slave to do some on-line research in to the topic. Given that i am bound and in a prone state, She is worried that i may choke if She uses me too quickly/naturally. Her specific statement was that the human body is not designed to consume in a prone position and given my bondage She worries i may become dangerously choked and unable to clear my throat. She wanted me to find a couple of possible solutions to this problem on the net though i have only been able to come up with one. However, given the bench design, i am not concerned at all with becoming dangerously choked, which i will discuss shortly.

i have attempted to find discussions regarding this issue and have not found anything specific to the topic. Most topics center around the how/why a Mistress would want a toilet slave, how long to use a toilet slave without a break ("real" food, water, etc), and other such topics. A couple topics centered around "volume" and the slave being able to keep up. i think that is is more of a problem than actual choking. Large or continuous volumes of solid or liquid waste seem to pose the largest problem but are somewhat overcome with practice. However, toilet slaves are still hindered by the amount of solid material that can be put in the mouth before overflowing. Practice and determination allow it to flush quickly enough to please its Owner/User. i think that this is my largest issue... how to consume quickly enough to keep up. Golden, for me, based upon my last service seems to be largely resolved. Brown gifts, though, may still be somewhat of an issue. Luckily for Maitresse and i both, usually Her gifts do not require much chewing before being flushed. In fact, more often than not, they can be flushed down Her toilet's throat without any actual "processing" by the receptacle. Therefore, actual risk of windpipe blockage is very minimal. More of a risk is aspirating a small amount of material during large volumes but that is a risk all toilet's face. Thus, the largest problem is how to consume the volume given during a natural bowel movement. This, i can only assume from what i've read, is a function of practice and willpower. i have the will but the willpower has been somewhat missing for a while. However, i firmly believe that this situation has been resolved.

i can only assume that Maitresse wants to continue to have a bound toilet. She seems to really like the idea and the possibilities it presents by using a toilet box. One possible alternative is to slant the entire bench to allow for a better "flow" from mouth to stomach. This is not all that practical though as the slave would slide down the bench. Perhaps a slight modification can be made in the future to slightly angle the bench but i really don't know how well that would work. A better option i feel is to more elevate the head and neck. i have a pillow inside the box but i think i should go out and look for an extra firm one. This would, i feel, elevate the head a slight bit more and allow for a better angle for material to go down.

It is a comfort that Maitresse takes such concern in Her slave. Both She and i desire for me to be nothing but an object and for Her to not need to be concerned with Her slave... and simply use it. i honestly feel that given the design of the box itself there is extremely little risk in my becoming choked to the extent of being dangerous. i may make a mess, but life and health should not be a factor. In my design, my head is not restrained. It can turn as far as a head can in any regular bed. Therefore, should i actually get choked i can turn my head to my side and nature will take care of the issue through coughing, etc. Also, should the unthinkable happen, the box can be flipped over quickly and the entire bench (with me still on it) could be overturned as the bench itself is not super stable. With the help of another, flipping the bench over would not be all that difficult. After much thought and consideration, in order to maintain the realism of what Maitresse and i are trying so hard to accomplish, elevating the head a touch more seems to be the most viable solution. Other than that, the slave would not be bound at all which takes away from the experience of being a toilet.

In my most humble opinion, i believe that Maitresse should feel completely at ease in viewing Her toilet as just that.. something She uses. She should not be concerned for my safety as i think overall its the best possible design and one that i found online to be the best if a slave is to be bound. The only words She may need to speak to Her toilet are "golden" or "brown" as this helps the slave position its head where it should be to perform its duties. i wouldn't mind my head being a bit more restrained as this gives the feeling of even less control over the situation but i left it "loose" to allow for a possible emergency. Especially with the head rest modification, i see no greater risk of choking than one choking on their own salvia or in eating some regular foods. In fact, the risk is probably less than eating a steak given the consistency of "hardness". The only issue is volume and filling the mouth (especially solids) to over capacity before consumption. Maitresse may have to somewhat control how much is released at one time but certainly with much less control than Goddess has been so kind to exercise up until now.

i hope this post answers some of Your concerns and responds to Your instructions, dear Goddess. i hope that You turn me in to Your toilet furniture. i am Yours to use as You like!.

Realistic Long Term Use

2010-12-16T02:18:00.001-08:00

It is time, as per Maitresse's instructions, to focus on "reality". i have longed to be used for extended periods and to be objectified in such a way that i am simply used as Maitresse goes about living Her life... coming and going. She seems interested in owning a toilet that She can use as She goes about Her life and Her day as well. There are a couple of problems with this situation that have to be addressed to make it a realistically "doable" situation.

The first is cramping of the slave. i have had issues with being bound on my back for extended periods... mostly with my shoulders. i think what will solve this issue will be a wider pad that supports the shoulders more. The other possibility would be a larger pillow that supports not only the slave's head but its shoulders as well. i'll be looking for such a pillow this week. If this issue can be worked out, i see no reason that the slave could not be bound for hours and hours. Sure, there are always issues such as an itch here, need to scratch there. A certain amount of discomfort is to be expected... it is BDSM after all. However, severe discomfort such as shoulder pain that grows and grows does not help the toilet perform.

The second major issue is the disposal of the slave's own waste. i feel certain i would not be bound for double-digit hours so i feel pretty good that i don't have to come up with a way to deal with my own solid. So, what to do about the liquid? i've been looking but have not found yet some clear, thin plastic tube that is large enough to fit over the slave's cock. However, i feel sure i will be able to come up with something. What i am thinking is that the Kali's Teeth would be substituted for a piece of tube. This would be held to the slave's cock via round pipe clamp (the kind that is very adjustable). i would then run the other end in to a large plastic bag (such as a gallon size zip-lock) and seal it with another pipe clamp. In such a way, i think the slave could dispose of its own liquid waste without needing to be released. The other option is an adult diaper. However, this is not a very attractive option but one that could be done quickly. With the slave's body hidden, it might be a viable option to Maitresse.

Another question to be answered is the edge play aspect. They say to not play and be bound alone. It is something of a risk. However, it is a calculated risk if a slave is to become truly a toilet for extended periods while not requiring its Owner to be "bound" to the house while the slave is serving. There is one safety factor in the new bench i have which is its weight. i think i could turn it over if i tried hard enough. Perhaps some bolt cutters (i already have them laid out when i serve anyway) would be left in the room in case of great emergency (fire, etc). With some work, the slave could probably escape if it absolutely had to. i'm not very worried about this situation, though. This is edge play and the chance of something happening while bound alone is very very slim. It's not much of a risk in my opinion.

One other thought is "safe words". i wonder about them if i am to become truly a toilet. i wonder if they should not be honored if i am to be totally owned by Goddess. i trust Maitresse more than enough to not have them... to trust in Her looking after the overall well-being of Her property. i wonder if i am to become a living object She owns if all decisions/speaking should be taken away and the care/maintenance of Her toilet vested with Her. On the other hand, i am scared of not having a safe word for cramping, etc. However, i am fully convinced that there should be no release/safe word for the actual disposal of Her gifts. i believe that from here out all must be consumed and consumed efficiently less heavy punishment be involved. Discipline/method up to Her but i would suggest that the time has come to be a fully functioning toilet.

The above assumes the slave would be serving here, at its house, or some other location where the bench and box can be used. i'm not fully sure yet about how to handle long term service somewhere where the box was not in use. i have heard of toilet slaves being locked in a bathroom or closet while their Mistresse was away and were to remain "available" upon Her return. However, it does not allow for bondage and full objectification as the slave's Owner would need to speak and instruct them when She needs to go to the bathroom. i suppose it depends upon how She wants to own and use Her toilet slave. However, if the slave were to be living off of only Her wastes, i would suggest a ball gag so that it could not be tempted to "steal" some water or people food. If in a location that the bondage box was not able to be used, i'm still sure that enough bondage could be enforced to maintain the slave's disipline though... hand cuff to foot cuff for example. Again, a diaper or waste bag would most likely be needed.

No matter what She decides, i am thrilled that Maitresse is considering turning me in to even more of a toilet. my own selfish wishes have been to become more and more of just a toilet to Her... a living breathing part of the structure of the house. i worship my dear Maitresse and want to become the exact toilet slave She desires... whatever that may be. Her body gives the slave its true nourishment. i shall be interested in Her thoughts on this post. i sincerely hope to give Her the types of services and sessions that makes Her happy and fulfills Her desires and even fantasies. Maitresse Kristian is already the ultimate Goddess.... i hope to give Her the best toilet and Her deepest experience in owning a toilet slave for Her use and enjoyment.

Additional Thoughts - Last Service

2010-12-10T16:33:00.001-08:00

The more i reflect upon O/our last session, the more the experience comes alive in my head. Although no brown was involved, only golden, the session took me to a place i had longed to go for so long. i had no sense of time... no sense of if i had been there for an hour or six. Very little light filtered in and with the bedroom door shut, no sound filtered in to the toilet slave room. Literally all i could do was await my Goddess to decide She needed to use Her slave. i began to slip in to the place i have sought... the objectification i have been hoping for.. the depth of slavery. However, i can only imagine what it is like for toilet slaves in such a position for extended period. What would it be like with no acknowledgement what so ever? Maitresse only using Her slave and using Her slave exactly as She wants.. no "holding back". What would i feel if i knew in advance that She may leave and return, leave and return going about Her life. Very literally only seeing Her Divine self when She needed to go to the bathroom. Neither spoken to nor regarding as existing... just a thing? Would Maitresse be able to slip in to such a role?? To very much regard the slave as a thing She owns? She is such a wonderful Maitresse, i do wonder. i also believe that the sheet hiding the slave's body helped with the scene. i can't help but think that it helps to enhance the session for Maitresse... that it helps Her to regard the toilet as a thing and not a person as She is not looking at a person's body. i have wondered a great deal what Maitresse thought of the session and the direction of future services to Her. More than anything else though i wonder about living off of Her wastes for a while... of taking my toilet service to Her to a level few aspire and fewer achieve. i wonder if She wants such a slave... to what edge She is interested in. Hopefully time will reveal Her thoughts, desires, and even fantasies. i have said several times that a slave exists to enhance its Owners being and i sincerely hope to become the exact type of toilet slave She desires. i have dreams and aspirations, sure, but i want to make sure that more than anything i fulfill Hers... that i am able to be the toilet slave (both in depth and proficiency) that She considers ideal.

Maitresse, You are truly a unique Goddess and i am so very blessed to know and serve You. i have been such a lucky slave to have been blessed with knowing and serving You. You are truly one in a million dear Maitresse. If W/we parted ways tomorrow i have been more fortunate than most for having known You. i do, of course, hope to continue my devoted service to my Divine One... thank You for blessing my life thus far. Thank You as well for the wonderful background picture You provided the slave. i think it is a wonderful picture.

Pics of the Revised Set-Up

2010-12-07T01:18:00.000-08:00

i thought i'd upload some pics of the new "set-up". The sheet/curtain is strung in such a way that it meets the back of the toilet box thus rendering the slave as "not there" except for its face in the toilet "bowl". i think this helps to allow Maitresse to further forget about Her slave and simply own a toilet.

November Service & New Set-Up

2010-12-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

It has been a good while since my last update partly due to computer issues and partly due to an intensive travel schedule. However, in November i was completely blessed to have served Maitresse Kristian two different times. The first time was very disappointing as, of not great surprise, my performance was not very good. i had been out of practice given the time since my last service and i was a very poor toilet. However, the second time, though only golden was required, i believe i was a much more functional toilet. Should i have the honor of serving Her again in December i believe i will be a fully functioning toilet again. In fact, my request to Goddess was to use me a naturally as possible the next time as i think i'm ready. my humble opinion is that She should simply sit and do Her "business" the next time without a single care for me. If i screw up, there should most likely be pain involved for the slave.

i made a significant adjustment to the toilet box system this time. Rather than have it in a bathroom, i cleared a closet and put it in a walk-in closet. The door won't close as i need a few more inches but the door to the bedroom is at least able to be closed. As another modification for the second visit i played with a sheet to block off the view of my body, strung between the closet shelves. With the sheet, the only thing Maitresse would see is my face. With the bedroom door shut, most all sound was blocked out. Especially during my second service, i was taken closer to the place i so long to find... to become nothing but Her toilet. There was no real sense of time with what little light filtered in. i didn't really know if it had been minutes or hours since She last peed. There was no "mental stimulation" from external stimuli though i did strain to hear something.. anything... without much luck. It seemed that Maitresse had been able to indeed forget about me and was going about whatever She was doing. It was wonderful. i was closer to becoming what i truly long for than ever before.

i have written extensively of my longing for very long service to Maitresse. Of being Her toilet and nothing else to Her but just that for days, weeks, months, years without any form of sexual release... just Her body's wastes and the wastes of those She so chooses to allow to use me. If Maitresse ever moved back up this way, i could see the closet toilet box as my new "home" much of the time... or if i were able to move down there. my dream is to be as much of a lifestyle toilet to Maitresse Kristian as She desires. If She were to build me permanent in to Her home i think i would jump at the chance. There are a few more minor things i need to fix, such as perhaps a wider air mattress, but i think i am close to being able to be Her toilet for a very long period/session. i hope it is time to serve Her in the manor She deserves and, i think, desires. i hope i am very close to being able to become nothing but an object to Her once the cuffs are on. i hope i am close to becoming Her perfect toilet... something She uses and owns without any care or concern.... the deepest of objectification slavery as a piece of furniture. W/we discussed briefly "lifestyle" toilet slavery though i have not heard back what this term would actually mean to the Devine One. i'll be interested to hear if She is looking at another session in December.

i dream of my next service, Maitresse Kristian. Thank You so very much for November!!

Just a Couple More Days!!!!

2010-10-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

i am sitting around thinking, dreaming, and longing for Saturday to come. It's almost like waiting for Christmas as a kid. i cannot wait to see the ultimate Goddess and to be be Her slave. i hope i do well. i hope She enjoys Herself and Her slave. i find myself fearful that i won't perform and praying i do well. She has said i will be used without regard... at Her slave's request. i hope when She needs to brown, She simply does it without a care in the world for Her slave under Her. i find myself wondering if the meeting is truly going to happen... is it too good to be true... as if i will awake and it was a dream. i also find myself slipping in to a day-dream... that my Goddess is coming to enslave me in permanent toilet service of no escape and nothing but a toilet. Life is not fantasy though.. but it is fun to reflect and dream. i await Your arrival, dear Maitresse Kristian... i await to serve You!!

Upcoming Service!!!!

2010-10-20T02:20:00.001-07:00

The day i had thought may not arrive appears to be just around the corner!! Maitresse is planning to have me serve Her this weekend and i deeply hope nothing happens to change that. From conversations, i may even be so lucky as to be in service long enough to receive 2 feedings from Her. i have written at length of my devotion to Her and longing of service. It has been so long since i have seen Her that i am both extremely excited and amazingly nervous. i am concerned with my ability to perform to the level She deserves given i am "out of practice". Maitresse is a kind but strict Goddess. She does take concern in Her slave's well-being. However, i sincerely hope that each and every time She sits upon me She will not care about me at all... i deeply hope She will be able to simply use Her slave. To this end, i have purchased a couple of open-mouth gags for Her to review and if She likes, use on me.

i need this.. Her total use and regulation of me as a owned object to consume wastes more than words describe. i can already feel my dear beloved Goddess sitting upon me... allowing Her humble slave to, if only for a while, to be what it longs for more than anything.. Her toilet. i am most happy as Her toilet and a thing of Hers. i am still somewhat in shock and to a lesser extent, disbelief, that i will finally see Her. i had truly began to give up any hope of being Hers again. This past week has had me in such a good mood. Life just feels better knowing i am again Her toilet. The reader already knows how i feel about long-term ownership by Maitresse Kristian and my desires to be Her toilet more than any sex drive. i hope this is the re-start of seeing Her on a somewhat regular basis.

i count the hours, dear Goddess and Owner, until i am being of service to You. i live for Your ownership and use. Thank You in advance!! A session of service the length You have described scares me (due to time since last service) but is what i dream and long for. i am Yours to use as You see fit.

Story Exerpt

2010-10-13T02:42:00.000-07:00

Below are a few excerpts from my favorite story. Each time i read it i cannot help but think of Maitresse and the depths of my longing to serve and be owned. It is, of course, fantasy. However, what a wonderful thought it is to think of seeing only Her Goddess bottom as a toilet slave such as is below. No sex, no masturbation, no release... only toilet service. It would be a worthwhile life if serving the Supreme Being, Maitresse Kristian.

"In you go." She said unceremoniously and I complied, laying myself carefully inside the box, sliding my head through the hole at the top and into the toilet affixed on the other side. She slid the neckpiece into place, which locked my head into the toilet on the other side and proceeded to affix metal cuffs to my wrists and ankles. These were in turn locked to the D rings within the box. The two catheter tubes were threaded through holes drilled out for them and the tubes attached to their respective receiving bag. The electrode wires were threaded through another hole drilled out for it and She stood back and smiled at the site. She placed the lid on and deftly nailed it into place. Then set the TENS unit on top and plugged the electrode wires into it. Closing the door, she went back into the bathroom.

Looking at the site, She say an odd looking toilet attached to a wooden protrusion tastefully colored as the rest of her bathroom was. On the surface of the wooden protrusion were two holes. Within these holes were visible my nipples, threaded as they were with candlewick. She decided to let the plaster harden around them before she filled the holes with wax and created two inset candles. She placed the toilet down over the hood and locked it into place. I heard the clicking of the lock and felt a sense of finality. It was frightening, given my current situation.

"This will be the last time you are ever addressed by anyone, ever again. From this point on, you will most likely never again see another human face. You will never be spoken to and never be regarded as even existing. You've become a toilet... my toilet and nothing, and I do mean nothing, more. You will never again move, or walk about, or see anything except the bottom of this bowl and, of course, my ass. And, you should feel privileged at that too." She mocked a scolding look. "Speaking is forbidden to you. If you speak, I will use the TENS unit, not that I don't reserve the right to use it any time I feel like it. If that proves unsuccessful in silencing you, I will shut the catheter valves. If that becomes unsuccessful, I will fill this bowl with water until you drown. Please, do not push me to that limit." She stood up and kissed Her palm and placed it upon my lips."Oh, and before I forget... Thank you." She smiled and closed the lid.

Portable Toilet Idea

2010-10-06T15:01:00.000-07:00

Just a very quick post. Found this pic on-line. Not a bad idea or way for a toilet to be a "portable" toilet slave... hotel rooms, etc. i would think it could be concealed in a large duffel bag for transport without attracting any undue notice. Only thought/suggestion would be for the slave to be turned around for use. Maitresse would have to step over and around the slave in this set-up which would not be good. A slave is there to enhance its Owner's life, not cause additional work and effort!!! This set-up is easier to make work though as when the slave is the other way around, the depth must be more to allow to toilet seat placement. The seat must be moved forward and therefore does not fit the slave's head as well without being wider to allow for shoulders to be inside. Still, it's got me thinking...........

Thoughts of Ownership

2010-09-20T14:32:00.001-07:00

i haven't submitted an update this month as thus far i have not seen my beloved Maitresse. However, She will be having me serve Her and Her needs very soon according to correspondence. i truly cannot wait to see Her. Life is so much darker without Her and being Her toilet slave. The other reason i have not posted an update is that i feel guilty of the "i want", "my dream is", "i hope for" updates as they do not focus on Her except for my selfishly wishing to serve as Her toilet. But, on the other hand, being Her toilet slave is precious to me and serving Her my greatest honor. i cannot believe it has been 6 months since i last serve Her and then again, i very much can. It seems like 20 years and i have most definitely not been the same person.

i have somewhat beat around the bush and hinted but i have been wondering about lifestyle slavery to my Supreme Goddess. i have given it a lot of thought and while i do not know what She would desire, i can think of nothing greater than being a lifestyle slave to Maitresse Kristian. i would most assuredly give up all rights to and the privilege of any sort of self pleasure or pleasure given by others to Maitresse Kristian. i would rather live my life in total and complete sexual frustration and be Her toilet. i would desire to be a real life toilet slave to Her... a custom built toilet slave bench and box made by an actual craftsman my often home bound and most likely gagged with some sort of funnel or o-ring to ensure total consumption. i would imagine i could serve for several days at a time with a few days in between but i also wonder about being a toilet slave to Her somewhat 24/7. i would give up all pleasure associated with my sex for the honor and pleasure of being Her toilet. i would have to move near Her and that would be something i would enjoy doing for such an arrangement. i would imagine i would be branded/tattooed in some manor, registered on in a slave registry, and bound by a very restrictive contract that was iron-clad in my full willingness to become a bathroom fixture for Her. i have given a lot of thought and a walk-in closet would be much better than in the bathroom taking up room (unless it was an absolutely huge bathroom). i would guess i would spend most of my time in the dark and waiting for Her. The thoughts of Her Goddess private parts would drive me crazy with lust while bound and unable to pleasure at all to the mental images. The torment would be even worse if, as nothing but a slave and object, i were bound and forced to listen to Maitresse enjoy Herself with self gratification or another giving Her pleasure. How would i feel in the weeks, months, and maybe years to come spent suffering unending chastity and deprivation? Could i dispose of Her divine "brown" every single day even if supplemented by "regular" food? i'm not sure but what i do know is that i would take the chance, challenge, and opportunity! i would rather be a toilet slave to Maitresse than have a steady girlfriend or be married. i would find more fulfillment in being reduced to a "thing" to Her and taking Her pee, brown, snot, and what ever else She decided than some vanilla relationship. i am drawn to iron-clad contractual slavery to Her as an extension of Her home plumbing and though it probably will never happen, i often think of being Her 24/7 slave and frequent toilet slave.

1st August Update

2010-08-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since i have served Maitresse Kristian!! Way too long for a series of reasons... since before Easter. However, i still find myself longing for Her and dreaming of serving Her. i can say this with all truth....... i would rather be Maitresse Kristian's owned and controlled toilet slave than anything else! If for some reason i were given the choice to continue to be able to have as much sex with whomever and whenever i wanted... to make decisions of what i do for fun and when... or be Her owned and more or less full time toilet slave outside of work, etc and never be allowed to make any sexual decision again... perhaps never even masturbate again... i would choose to be Her toilet slave! i would choose to have my free time spent in a professionally built toilet slave bench locked away in a closet or bathroom in Her home. i would choose to give up any rights to sexual freedom; self gratification or with others. i would choose to be an object She owns and uses how She desires... to suffer boredom and frustration and loss of freedom of decisions for the one and only honor of consuming and disposing of Her pee, scat, spit, nails, and anything else She desires. i would choose to receive nothings for days at a time but the wastes Her Body offers.

W/we have talked about serving as a long-term toilet to Her (for a few days)... i so hope it happens. i want... i long.. to be treated, regarded, and know i am nothing but a thing to receive Her gifts. Though i may desire it once i begin the service, i sincerely ask for no reprieve or compassion... but to be an object... a slave with but one purpose that will be punished severely for failure. Gagged to accept all that is required. This is my hope for the near future and i pray i shall serve Maitresse again.

Dreams

2010-07-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

Just some ramblings and thoughts..........

* i dream of being a lifestyle slave to Maitresse Kristian.
* i dream of being a long term toilet used for extended and for often recurring periods to Maitresse Kristian.
* i dream of an inescapable contract binding me to frequent toilet service to Maitresse.
* i dream of being bound on a professionally made custom toilet bench designed for long term use and locked away in a closet or bathroom modified for my presence.
* i dream of being locked away in the darkness behind closed doors... forgotten until Maitresse needs to use me... with nothing but boredom and straining to hear Maitresse coming to occupy my time.
* i dream of a toilet bench with a custom funnel that all golden and brown materials may be deposited in to....... of having no choice what-so-ever except to dispose of any wastes Maitresse Kristian chooses.
* i dream of utter sexual frustration to focus my slave mind on the service of Maitresse.
* i dream of reaching a point of being willing to do anything for a "release" and striving to please Maitresse... only to ensure my continued frustration through Her pleasure with the dedicated service shown to Her in my hopes of gaining the privilege of a "release"...
* i dream of living off of nothing but the golden and brown wastes of Maitresse, along with anything else She decides to "flush"... Her nail clippings, ear and nose "stuff", phlegm, and the like.. during each extended period.
* i dream of being "shown off" by Maitresse to Her Domme friends and being loaned, rented, or shared by Her enhance Her status among slave Owners.
* i dream of being turned in to a level of toilet slave usually only found in the world of fiction writing.
* i dream of being a real and total toilet slave without a safe-word, reprieve, or choice of how i am used.
* i dream of "hitting" the lottery so that i would be able to not work and thus my finance my long term slavery to Her.
* i dream of becoming Her complete and ultimate toilet.
* i dream of Maitresse Kristian.

Torment of Chastity

2010-07-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

i am so aroused that i almost can't stand it. i have been in chastity since Wednesday (it is Saturday) as part of my instructions for prep to service Goddess Kristian. i am to be Her toilet today and the waiting and anticipation are driving me mad. i wish i were allowed to relieve myself while waiting. The combination of lack of release, pent up longing from my period without being in service to Her, and the anticipation of Her arrival have combined to have me in a state of desperation for release. i do not know if i will be allowed to pleasure myself after She is gone. It would be torture to not.

i have written about my dreams of being Her toilet for days and days. However, i wonder how bad it would be if i were in chastity for weeks leading up to it and then during the long term service? i have a feeling the desperation would be maddening; and when combined with living off of nothing but Her Goddess wastes for several days in a row would be a most severe slave test.

i hope She arrives soon!!!!!!

Updated Thoughts... Still Hoping for Service to Goddess

2010-06-17T01:54:00.000-07:00

It's amazing really, how much i have come to miss being a toilet slave. It has been over 2 months since my last use and i have come to long to be bound, objectified, and used. i especially miss Maitresse's use. i truly in my heart of hearts love to serve Her. She is my ultimate Goddess and i miss being under Her so. i suppose, as much as i miss being a toilet, i could visit a Pro Domme... O/out contract was not mutually exclusive. The reality is, however, that i want to serve no other Goddess than Maitresse with the exception of those She would ever designate, as this would still be serving Her. i have served no other Goddess since the signing of the contract. Maitresse is my Goddess, my Mistress, and my slave Owner as long as She keeps me. The trouble is, i wonder if She still plans to keep me. W/we texted a few times but it has been a long time since i have received an email, etc from Her. Only short texts that "things are fine", etc. Words cannot describe how empty i feel without having been under my Goddess. i have an utter devotion to Her. There is greater one on this earth than Goddess Kristian.

i think all the time about the "hotel idea" i have written about. More than at my home, i feel like She could truly turn me in to what i am in such a place... an absolute, total object to consume what She gives. i love the idea of Her being able to come and go and enjoy Herself and only view me as Her bathroom. If She would so like, even for a few days... i would get nothing but Her wastes. i often fantasize of being Her toilet forever. This is not realistic but being Her toilet for a few days... what an honor for this slave and hopefully what a sense of power for Maitresse!! Having someone / something locked away whose only purpose to You would be to take care of waste disposals would have to be very empowering to a Domme, i would imagine. No sexual gratification, no self release, and no release from service until the time was complete... only a thing to flush golden, brown, nose, and other wastes. It would be a dream come true !!

i just hope that Maitresse still has a use for me. Having gone 2 months without being of service to Her i am very concerned! Scared actually... that She is loosing interest in Her slave.

Hopes & Thoughts

2010-06-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how much a slave can come to miss its Owner. Words cannot describe the "emptiness" i have felt in not serving Maitresse during my absence of use. i miss speaking with Her, catching up on what has been happening in Her life, and in general how Her world has been going. i miss greatly the contact with Her; just knowing that i am still allowed in Her presence. However, i also truly miss Her objectification of me and being made to feel as a functioning toilet for Her use!!! It's amazing, actually, how i come to long and yearn for Her use as time goes by between services. i become consumed with the thoughts and desires, in fact needs, to become Her vessel to dispose of Her most Supreme Goddess essences all the while regarded as a piece of furniture She owns.

Lately, the idea of being Her slave locked in a hotel and used as She needs is all-consuming (pardon the pun). Goddess Kristian seems to truly enjoy "object slavery" and i can envision such a session as turning Her devoted slave in to nothing more to Her during the session than a toilet She comes to use with little regard. i sincerely hope for harsh and demanding use... no room for failure and no sympathy for what must be disposed of. i can think of no greater honor than to be kept away in such service for a day or two and consuming nothing but the waste products my Goddess Maitresse Kristian deposits. i want Her to own me as Her toilet; fully, completely, and totally for however long She would choose to keep me. i truly desire to serve Her in such a way that She does not worry about my consumption... it would be "guaranteed". This has been somewhat resolved through my purchase of a funnel gag. It will serve very well for Her golden though a slight modification is required. The straps are to short to buckle around my head but that is easily fixed. Total guarantees of full brown disposal are a little more difficult. i am considering a large diameter o-ring gag. This should ensure that She can use Her toilet with no worries. i want, more than anything, for Maitresse to be able to use Her toilet without regard or compassion... to be used in as "natural" fashion as She possibly can.

i don't know if this post has adequately conveyed the depth of this slave's desire to be objectified as a toilet to Maitresse Kristian. i suppose all i actually need to say is that i hope i have come up with some new options for Her to turn this slave in to as much of a toilet, and thus as much of an "object", as She would desire.

i hope that the Royal Maitresse Kristian blesses Her devoted slave with a response, and call to service, soon. i cannot describe how i yearn to take my rightful place, quite literally, under Her.

New Idea For toilet slave Use

2010-05-29T11:25:00.001-07:00

i have not been able to serve Maitresse as of yet but i so long to be beneath Her. She was up this way but W/we could not meet at the time because of an infection i had. She had mentioned that perhaps W/we would meet this weekend for service to Her.

i had a new idea that Maitresse seemed to be interested in. First though, i have purchased a new funnel gag that will guarantee that the toilet will consume all of Her golden and She can pee as much as She needs to without stopping, etc for the slave to catch up. i think this will be a wonderful addition and look forward to experiencing it's use. my humble idea posed to Goddess was to get a hotel room close to where ever She was (or She use the room i would get to stay in). She could then come and go as She pleased, stopping in to use the toilet as She needed. i would only be of use to Her as as Her bathroom and then She could leave me again, bound and gagged.

To be honest, such a scenario is even more interesting to this humble toilet for an extended period (a few days). i worship Goddess Kristian. Being Her toilet completes me and Her body nourishes me. Being locked away (such as the hotel idea) for several days as a used and left toilet object living off of nothing but Her Royal golden and brown would be an ultimate dream (or close to it..... my ultimate dream involves continuous use as Her toilet and chastity slave for VERY long time). i hope i am given the gift of serving my Ultimate and Supreme Goddess. i need, in the depths of my bones, to feel Her indifference and objectification as She deposits Her Supreme wastes in to Her toilet.

Concerned & Confused

2010-05-16T12:43:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately, i don't have much to update. i have not heard from my beloved Goddess, Maitresse Kristian for some time and have not served in a good while. i miss Her greatly. i miss Her voice, Her persona, just Her presence. i, of course, miss being Her toilet object as well. i never feel more alive than when She just ignores me and deposits Her wastes. i truly wish i could live off of nothing but the wastes of my Goddess for days and days at a time.... perhaps even week(s). The privilege of Her bottom sitting upon Her unworthy slave; freshly showered or following a night of dancing in the southern heat is no matter. i worship Her bottom and the gifts they bestow upon my unworthy self. i miss so deeply kneeling at the Supreme Maitresse's feet. Even if She does not allow Her slave to worship them. It is a unspeakable honor, though... worshiping Her feet. They are truly works of art! There is little to nothing i would not do to please my Goddess. She could "slut" me out to pleasure Her other slaves and i would be fine with it. Maitresse has thus far not issued corporal discipline upon Her slave. i truly wonder if some CBT applied vigorously to Her unworthy slave would please Goddess. i would gladly suffer heavy discipline of both my cock and balls to again serve under Maitresse Kristian. i miss Her so. i hope nothing is wrong. W/we have texted once but i have a feeling things are not going particularly well somehow. i wish Her the best... much more than She knows!! She is my Goddess, my Maitresse, my devotion.

i sincerely hope all is well, Goddess Kristian !!!!

Final Thoughts - Chastity Exercise

2010-04-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of my Maitresse directed chastity. It has been an "interesting" experience. i'm not sure if Maitresse Kristian was wanting to punish Her slave directly or wanted to apply greater control over Her slave. In either (or both) case(s), it certainly would be considered a success.

Getting the device on was a, well, nightmare on Friday. Both Maitresse and i had significant trouble with the fit. However, as is the case with most anything, practice increases proficiency. By the end of the week it was much easier to get on. It was still somewhat difficult but could be accomplished without too much trouble. On the down side, i am actually a bit sore. The fit was a bit tight. i had to continually apply lotion to it in order to keep a deep burning down in my lower scrotum. That was the biggest issue, the lower area where the ring goes. Perhaps a better lubricant such as petroleum jelly or other item that would last much longer rather than absorb in to the skin would allow for more comfortable use. The pins can pinch the "member's" skin but that is a small issue which is quickly (believe me, very quickly) fixed. If i can figure out how to keep the ring from hurting so much, extended wear would be much more comfortable.

i certainly understand why many Mistresses prefer to use enforced chastity either as a punishment or often to encourage the slave's peak performance in its duties. i can't say i had become "desperate" for release by the end of the week but i was certainly a "focused" slave and can only imagine the feelings if i were to be or had been a toilet slave during that time. i found myself thinking a lot, and thus getting uselessly excited as much as the 6000 would allow, about Maitresse; Her Goddess form, Her use of me as Her object, Her Devine body's wastes, and the fact that She had put me in such a place. i so longed and desired to be under Her and to know at least the pleasure of Her use even if i could not experience sexual pleasure for myself. i did, to say the least, desire release more and more every day but at the same time became more and more focused every day. However, i also found that i was excited by the idea that Maitresse was demanding the chastity. i found that i was experiencing dual and competing emotions... i wanted to be allowed to pleasure myself and at the same time found pleasure in not being allowed by Mistress to do so. This combination only further added to my discomfort and desire! i could not have a release which i needed but the fact She would not allow me to do so excited me. And so went the circle.

i wore the device at night and during the day except for at work. Nightly wear was a little tough but only because i'm a stomach sleeper. i had to adjust this habit and sleep on my back or side. However, i am a firm believer that wearing at night is a "must". This is when the slave is most likely to have it's most arousing thoughts and could even have a "wet dream" as it becomes more backed up and easily aroused. i also found that wearing it while doing manual work could be an issue. i had to take it off while doing some fairly hard yard work on Saturday. i think that the device, given how it constricts the testicles, could actually be dangerous if the slave was doing heavy lifting. i would caution anyone to be very careful doing such activities as i could see something rupturing sort of like a hernia given the lack of movement and tight restriction as a heavy object was lifted.

i honestly wonder what it would be like for Maitresse to hold the only key. As i mentioned in my first post on this topic, W/we both had one. The distance between us makes this unlikely, at least for now. Perhaps when i am able to locate closer She may in fact become my key holder. i could see me being placed not only in key holder chastity but a cuckold as well. What a torture that would be for a slave that worships Goddess Kristian as i do! As far as fantasies go, they centered around long (i mean LONG) term toilet slavery, chastity, and denial. In all honesty, i dreamed about being such a slave for weeks or longer... the effects of such service would have on the slave, the total objectification, the complete frustration... this fantasy dominated the slave during its experience. A story of this nature, and the thoughts of Maitresse being the Owner, caused the slave to feel its allowed release this morning.

All in all, it was a fulfilling experience for the slave; which i hope was Mistress's intention. It was punishment, yes, but looking back, a great experience never the less. Probably much in the same way a pain slave finds it's torture to be a good experience once it's over. It has awakened thoughts and additional ideas regarding toilet service and guaranteed consumption which i will be investigating. However, it also allowed for other thoughts as well. i found myself wondering about physical punishments... pain application... and my limited experience in such areas. i also wondered greatly about being loaned to a transsexual for "bottom" services by Maitresse. However, most of all, i though of Maitresse, being Her toilet, and how to become much more proficient and a better slave to Her.

Chastity Update - Toilet Box Pix

2010-04-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

Thought i'd post a quick update regarding chastity and attach the pics from the revised slave box.

It's actually getting very, well, difficult being in the device. i so want to touch and feel pleasure. Even just writing this, my device is becoming "full" thinking of what Maitresse is requiring of Her slave. i can only imagine what it would be like to be in total key-holder chastity for weeks or months! It would be pure torture for the slave but i am very sure it would also make a very compliant slave. i love Maitresse holding my key and find myself thinking about what it would be like for Her to hold the ONLY key. This prospect, surly spurred on by my exponentially increasing arousal and frankly, growing "lust and desire" adds to the slaves plight. What truly has been a prevailing thought, though, has been the thought of going through such a trial before service to Maitresse and then, kept in the condition through extended toilet service.... perhaps suffering the assured torture of the kali's teeth. This idea goes on to include being a full and complete toilet with nothing to eat or drink other than Goddess's bodily gifts for several days.

The major down side to this punishment is the pain it is now starting to cause. my scrotum is being to chafe and hurt. i try to keep lotion on the inside of the ring which helps. i am also beginning to bruise i think or at least become very sore. At times, a burning in the bottom of the scrotal area is pretty heavy but more often than not i can "work" the skin a bit to find relief. i've been trying to keep an eye for any unnatural discoloration but i have a feeling by the time Friday arrives, i'm going to be pretty sore and not just from "blue balls".

i hope Maitresse is pleased with the direction of Her experiment / requirement / domination of Her slave. Without a doubt, it has already been an "experience" for the slave.

Feeling Very Unworthy

2010-04-06T01:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i wonder, truly wonder, if i am at all worthy to be Maitresse's toilet slave. Maitresse blessed Her toilet with Her presence on Friday. She seemed pleased with the new toilet box other than the fact it was a little too tall. i can fix that and then do a new slave bed. This should be the final design. However, my service was a disapointment to Her and ever since i've been having feelings failure, unworthiness, and fear (over being allowed to continue to serve Goddess)

i did not do well, and Maitresse's feedback was, as always, direct and brutally honest...... "I have been disappointed in your consumption of golden. Very much so, actually. And the gagging, we also need to work on eliminating that as much as possible because it is distracting to me" .... Regular training will fix the gagging issue and i have some ideas regarding golden and swallowing quickly in the box. Basically, i'm going to work with bottles of water while laying down to work on my swallowing proficiency without closing my mouth. i think that this will help immensely. i so want to be a "great toilet" and am scared of loosing Maitresse. i have made Her an offer of including punishment in O/out sessions (physical punishment/pain). i'm not what i would consider a "pain slave" and have very limited experience in such activities. However, i am scared of loosing Her and if my suffering helps atone for my failures and keeps my Beloved Goddess happier with Her slave, She has every right to punish me... harshly if necessary.

A while back, Maitresse had me purchase a CB-6000 chastity device. It is better than the CB-2000 i bought for my chastity punishment a while back. i was instructed on Friday to put it on and keep it on for 7 days. It has been difficult to say the least. i usually find a release each day and enjoy internet porn. i have limited my porn intake because of this effort to help ease my frustration. It is frustrating, to say the least. i think of Maitresse often and of being Her toilet. i so long for the pleasure of my hand while reading stories of toilet slavery! But, i must say once again, that male chastity is highly effective slave training. my heightened sense of need... my longing for release and pleasure... would make me a much more compliant and focused slave. i cannot imagine what it would feel like to serve Maitresse after such a period of chastity... especially if She traded the CB for the Kali's Teeth once service began. i can't help but feel that i would be a better serving slave due to my denied desires. Maitresse holds one key and i still have the other. Other than during some showers (but not all), a couple hours of yard work, and during my working hours, i have been locked since Friday afternoon around 5 or 6 (i think). At night and early morning are the worst! i wake up trying to get aroused and the morning arousal denied as well. i can only imagine what it's like for slaves in chastity for months and (according to internet writings which may be fiction) years.

i hope Maitresse still "enjoys" Her slave. i am so scared of loosing Her! More than anything i want to please Her as Her toilet. Hopefully i'll find a way. i hope the practice i'm going to try is effective. Pleasing and serving Goddess means the world to this toilet slave!!!

This is the chastity device box. i've been going back and forth regarding publishing a photo with it on. i'll defer to Maitresse. If instructed, i'll be more than happy to publish a photo or two of the device on.

Just Thoughts

2010-03-25T02:37:00.001-07:00

Maitresse never ceases to amaze this slave! She is full of wonderful and intriguing surprises. i was lucky enough for Maitresse to allow me a bit of a glimpse in to Her world the other day. i cannot believe how strong, determined, and intelligent She truly is! i already knew each of these adjectives about Her but this rare look in to Her day to day life... Her trials, tribulations, and challenges... further cemented how utterly impressed with Goddess i truly am. Words cannot describe the joy i felt as She confided in Her slave! She is the epitome of strength and determination and i worship Her as such.

i continue to watch the job boards and something will give, i'm sure, soon! i continue to think of Maitresse and ownership and what would truly complete this slave. i have came to a final conclusion. i would, without looking back, give myself to full and complete Ownership to Maitresse. i would give up the right to any unauthorized sexual relief and who/how i am used as a slave! my place as a slave is as a toilet object / property. If Maitresse should ever desire to own this slave as nothing but a long term, frequent use toilet and nothing more, i would be honored. i long to be turned in to Her property and relegated to a piece of property and a functioning waste disposal device for Maitresse for as long as She would desire. i don't have tons of $$$ and i'm not all that good looking.... but i do have utter devotion to Goddess Kristian and know my place as Her object of Divine waste disposal. i long for nothing greater than to be turned by Her in to the strictest, most realistic, toilet slave She desires to Own.

If luck is on my side, i shall find myself in beneath, and in the service of, Supreme Kristian in the coming days/week. i hope and pray that Her plans work out and i am able to again serve Her! Oh, going in to the 10th day of no smoking... not since Monday a week ago at around 2:00!! It has not been easy and the only thing that keeps me "going" is Goddess and my desire to not disapoint Her!

New Story Posted

2010-03-22T03:13:00.000-07:00

Part 1 of a new toilet slave story is now posted on BDSM Library. i am working on part 2 and it will be submitted shortly. The link is ..........

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/story.php?storyid=8121

Trying to Get Better... Tough Illness

2010-03-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough couple weeks. The week before last was up in the Great Lakes again & starting to feel a "bug" coming on. By the time i got home, was pretty rough and finally went to the Dr on Monday. Turns out, been dealing with pneumonia... again. Had it about 2 years ago. After $$$ for Rx's, feeling much better. However, still have no wind or stamina and that is disappointing. Tried to work on the updated slave bed a little this weekend but just don't have the wind to do much of anything right now. i had so hoped to have it ready for the next service to Maitresse. i hope i am not too much of a disappointment to Her. i NEVER want to displease my Supreme Goddess... rather, exceeding Her expectations is always my goal. She is so very much to this slave... She makes this slave complete. Pleasing Her is my deepest pleasure. i hope i have not failed my Goddess too badly.

On a positive note, i have not been smoking. my post back at the beginning of the month i had tried but didn't make it but a couple days. Since i got sick, i have had much better luck. i want to do this for Her. Sure, getting off of the stupid things would be good for me but i know Maitresse hates smoke. i have never done it around Her. She has offered breaks where i would go in to my garage during a long session. However, i always felt so, well, small, when She did. Not because of anything She said or did but because i felt is somehow took away from the session for Her. She has not asked me to stop, at least as of yet. i feel that it would be a much greater gift to my beloved and divine Owner if i would offer this gift to Her without Her asking. As i mentioned, pleasing Her is always my #1 goal. In all honesty, i'm using a stop smoking aid but the idea is to use these to break the habit and then get off of them. So far, so good. No cigarettes since Monday... today will be 1 week. After that, as i wrote below, loose some weight. i don't think that both together is an attainable goal but one then the other should work.

Being Maitresse's toilet and being the best at it is my goal, need, and longing. i should hope for the day for long term Ownership. i should hope for the day i am used often and long and relegated to being an object, cuckhold, and anything else She desires. If i could, She would own me completely and totally and my life placed in Her hands (and contract). i continue to seek employment closer to Her though it has not gone well. i am, if nothing else though, persistent. It will happen. There are so many hobbies in life i enjoy... fishing, working outside, etc... but what i am and long to be someday if it ever works out is a toilet object owned by the ultimate Goddess & Owner... Maitresse Kristian.

Maitresse, i have not heard but i sincerely hope things are going ok (better). Please, if You should need anything, even just to talk, i am always available to You. You and Your happiness mean everything to me. If i can help with anything, just let me know!

Here if You need me

2010-03-20T02:36:00.000-07:00

Maitresse, You have been in my thoughts and meditations! Please let me know if there is anything i can do for You; even if it is only an "ear" to sound off on. i am Your slave, yes... but i am a slave that worships and adores You more than You know. Any time You may need an ear to rant against or a shoulder i am there for You my beloved Goddess. You are my Goddess, my Mistress, my Owner, but most of all, my blessing. i may be a ways from You but please call anytime day or nite should You need. i guess all i am saying is that i'm here if You should need!!! i'm always here for You. Please know that You have been on my mind constantly and in my best wishes and meditations since Your note.

You, Supreme Maitresse, have read these words before (the other day) but i thought i would/should include on the blog my thoughts...

my life was truly blessed the day i met You. You are so special and interwoven in to my slave being... truly a Goddess & Mistress of Divine proportions. i honestly see me (if You would ever desire & i finally am able to move closer) giving myself to You as a deeply & strictly Owned slave. Maitresse Kristian, i could foresee myself, for You at least, giving up any and all controls of sexual pleasure to You, collared, registered, and maybe even tattooed with Your slave number. As much of an honor as it is to worship Your feet, etc, being Your toilet slave has been the greatest experience of my life... being Your long term "toilet property" would be the ultimate dream though most likely unattainable. i can think of no greater Goddess to serve in such a capacity as You. You are THE Special One, the ultimate Mistress/Goddess and i cannot believe or understand how i was considered as remotely worthy to serve You in the manor You have allowed!!! i can truly say, from the depths of my slave soul, that being Your toilet slave is more important to me than sex, comfort, or pleasure. You have no idea how deeply You have gained possession over me and my thoughts, dear Goddess. You are such a complex and wonderful combination... kind, thoughtful, dominate, supreme, harsh when necessary... a complete package who deserves the worship and adoration of those She allows in to Her world. i thank You with every ounce of my being for allowing me in to Your world!!! Who know, perhaps someday i may find myself in deeper Ownership and more dedicated service to You, Owned as a toilet object/property; perhaps not. No matter; every second i have been, and continue to be, allowed in Your world is an honor & privilege beyond words. However, as i move further along this journey, i find that my desire for total Ownership by You, especially the prospect of being a total and complete toilet slave property to You, dominates my thoughts, goals, and dreams.

Smoking, Weight, and Devotion to Maitresse

2010-03-08T03:11:00.000-08:00

Quitting smoking sucks! i am trying to quit but am having only so so luck. i will do it though, because it's for Maitresse Kristian! She did not ask the slave to stop, but i have decided to do it for Her never the less. As a toilet, lung power is important. i need to expand my lung power to better serve my Supreme Goddess and the best way to do this is my getting off my biggest vice. i have never liked drugs. Sure, i tried a little weed when i was much younger but it wasn't my thing. Shoot, i even have trouble taking prescriptions. Muscle relaxers, pain killers, and even strong decongestants "screw" with me badly. i never ended up finishing them when prescribed for injuries or sickness by my Doctor. i'd end up flushing down the toilet (the conventional toilet) once i got well enough to withstand it. Thus, drugs have never held any interest for me at all. i don't understand the attraction to them. Alcohol has never been a problem either. i can drink a beer or a nice glass of wine and not think about it again for weeks or months. Smoking, on the other hand, is my Achilles Heel. i wished i never saw the first one! Or i wish someone would have made me eat the first one i ever saw. my goal is to be as good of a slave as possible and an outstanding toilet for Mistress. She truly is one of a kind and my devotion to Her immense. As such, i need to get off of the good for nothing things. i will become a much more proficient toilet i'm sure.

Next item on the agenda (after smoking) is to loose a bit of weight. i've always been a big guy. Heck, my shoulders got "stuck" while i was being born. But i am way to heavy now. Between the 2 things my abilities to serve as Maitresse Kristian's full toilet will surly increase. She is my motivation and She is my inspiration. She is everything i could ever hope to achieve and serving as Her fully functioning toilet my number one priority.

February Blessing

2010-03-04T02:32:00.000-08:00

Luck upon all luck.. this humble slave received a great honor in seeing the Goddess Maitresse Kristian last week! Words cannot describe how thrilled i was to again see my beloved Owner. Her Goddess body offered the slave its true nourishment. However, the slave was very disappointed in the toilet bench's workings. The good news is that i have begun working on a new design. i think this third and final design will work very well and i sincerely hope it does. i never want to disappoint my Owner and She wants a longer term use slave bed. And more than anything, i want to be Her long term toilet. W/we looked in to using nose plugs to guarantee consumption though the first attempt was not extremely effective. i continue to believe that this is a good idea and hope to investigate it further. While laying bound to my bench i had several thoughts and they have dominated my thoughts ever since.

i have written about my considerations and thoughts regarding long term slavery, toilet service, chastity, and deeper Ownership. i am looking for employment closer to Maitresse Kristian so as to be able to serve Her more often and better. i've sent 3 resumes out with no response thus far. Of course, it is a tough economy but i have hope that i will locate employment that will put me much closer to Her.

If Maitresse Kristian would ever consider such an option, and if i can get closer to Her to make it feasible, i would offer Maitresse Kristian the slave. i have came to the ultimate conclusion that i am a slave... that i am a toilet. It would be the ultimate completion of this slave to be owned 24/7 by Her. To be, very much, Her property. A toilet that is used, kept, and thought little of during service. Perhaps for a day, perhaps for days. Perhaps my "home" would be a cage while in Her presence and not in service, perhaps not. Never the less, a truly "owned" slave. i would ask for very few limits... shared with Her other slaves to provide them pleasure if She so desired, punished (more about pain below) as She desires, and all authorizations for sexual release vested with Her. i would give any opportunity and authorization of slave pleasure to Her. i'm very sure i would become desperate for release but only She would have the power to allow it. Perhaps the slave would learn the ultimate truth that a toilets only real pleasure comes from serving its Mistress with the utmost perfection. i can say, with some hesitation but great conviction, my deepest desire, my most true longing, would be to be fully owned by Goddess. The reality would probably hit home hard but i would never the less want a contract that would guarantee compliance... to be molded and formed in to a perfect slave.

Maitresse has never applied any real physical pain to Her slave. i cannot help but wonder why? It's not that i'm a pain slut or anything like that... just curious. i feel that perhaps it would assist in the reinforcement of what the slave is. i would accept any punishment She would so choose as best i could. The idea scares the slave but could at the same time be highly effective.

Thank You again Goddess for Your visit to the slave. Thank You with all my being for gracing me with Your divine presence. You have become such an important part of the slave's life! i hope to serve You more often very soon!!

a slave's Longing

2010-02-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

How much can a slave miss its Owner? That's a very good question and i sincerely hope not have to find out. What i can say is how much i've been missing my Mistress... the Supreme Goddess Kristian. i have not been of service to Maitresse since early January and i am missing Her greatly! Actually, "missing" Maitresse isn't anywhere close to an accurate description. There is an emptiness that has been persistent for several weeks. After becoming accustomed to being of service to Goddess, the long period of Her absence has left a hole in the slave! i have written a good deal in regards to longer term service and the conflicting emotions that would arise when i thought of expanded slavery. Having been not used as a toilet by Maitresse for so long, i can honestly now say that being a toilet slave has become a huge driving force in the purpose of my life during the time i have been blessed to know Goddess. i love my life; i love just about every part of my life from the hobbies i have to even not minding my work. However, being "property" to someone such as Maitresse Kristian, being an owned slave and specifically a full and total toilet to Her, provides me with my deepest sense of meaning. i could give myself to Her as Her completely objectified toilet, i think to the point of a "permeant" toilet at Her disposal. Short of that, i am open to any travel She desires to allow Her slave to be of service to Her more often.

i am worried that i am still struggling somewhat with totally submitting as a slave. i wonder if my needs...... the needs of serving Her.... are too pervasive. As a slave, Goddess's needs are far more important than mine. Does my self-pity and eternal longing to serve beneath Her mean that i am not submissive enough yet? i hope not! my longing is driven by the deep-seated need to be owned, used, and objectified by Her. i simply long to be used, to be a toilet as She, not i, would desire. my hopes and longing stops at the desire to be Her property; Her owned object to dispose of Her wastes. Exactly how and who uses the slave is not my concern. That is left to Maitresse. my desires stop at being allowed to enter service; permeant, long term, highly restricted, continued part time... whatever most pleases Her. i completely surrender service decisions to Goddess... my desire is to submit. Hopefully, my feelings are consistent with being a true slave.

On a secondary note... i would like to wish Maitresse a very happy and healthy Birthday! For privacy reasons, i will not and would not reveal what day or even the exact month Her Birthday is. i'll simply say Happy Birthday Goddess in the not too distant future.

i have about 50% of the next toilet slave story completed. This slave's plans are to have it completed and submitted for publication within a week or so. i hope that Maitresse likes it. i enjoy writing but enjoy writing stories that please Her the most. She is the slave's inspiration.

Return Home, Writings, Etc

2010-02-01T02:43:00.000-08:00

Finally got back from the "great white north / mid-west" on Saturday morning. Winter time flying SUCKS! i figured that i would have problems and although i checked a bag, kept a few things for the possibility of an "extended" layover. Employment responsibilities had me up around the Great Lakes for the week. i actually enjoyed seeing snow... it snowed 2 of the days i was there... but my southern blood is not used to highs of 12 or 15 with wind chills of 0 or so. The next 4-6 weeks will probably see me in the Northeast for a few days as well. Somehow my work schedule is really screwed up. i go to the north in the winter and the only time i end up needing to go to the Southwest is in the height of summer. Shouldn't it be the other way around? There are redeeming factors to any trip though, and this was no exception. i was able to see some colleagues whose company and conversations over dinner i enjoy and the time in the hotel gave me some time to think...

i am a torn slave! i am torn between present and potential. i enjoy the relationships, freedoms and pleasures of my current life and thoughts of deeper slavery and ownership. At least at the present, i do not think Mistress Kristian is interested in expanding Her Ownership and Control over me, but the future is a funny thing. Less than a year ago, i never conceived that i would be under a Contract at all and now Mistress owns the right to use and share me as She desires until at least September (year long contract). i cannot help but ponder with great thought and consideration a life of more total Ownership by Her. Placing complete control of any allowed "pleasure" in Her hands, quite literally by way of a key; being used long and often as toilet to Her (and anything else She desires). As She goes about Her daily tasks, socializing, and job; restrained in a toilet box or slave cage alone for Her return... quite literally a piece of Her Property in an iron clad contract. The reality of such a situation would be much different than my current thoughts, i'm sure. The true reality is that it may not be a "doable" situation at all but the "tug of war" in my head is never the less real. Family and friends and my current freedoms of pleasure and hobbies vs deeper Ownership (emotionally and physically) by a Supreme Goddess such as Mistress Kristian. That is not to say i desire to not work and am looking to be "kept up" by someone, even as a slave. But i do wonder about deeper slavery with greater restrictions and frequent use.

i've begun working on another story using Goddess, with Her permission, as the lead. i found this to be one way i can pay homage to Her, although only 1 story has been published thus far. Actually, what i've begun working on is "part 3" of first story. i had been working on part 2 but found the flow to be not particularly interesting and have thus skipped a portion of events that lead up to part 3. One could actually say that this blog is part 2... the activities, thoughts, and evaluations that have ultimately led to part 3. Part 3 will end up being many of the things i have been writing about in the last few entries of this blog... entering in to deeper and more decisive Ownership by Mistress. It should be finished in a week or two and i will publish the link in this blog. For anyone interested, the link to part 1 is below. "Evaluation of a toilet slave" is located on BDSM Library, which is a safe web site used by many aspiring authors in the scene (or who have fantasies in the scene).

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/story.php?storyid=7638

On another note, i was thrilled that Mistress was able to get Her own web site up and running!!! Even more thrilling, and very much an honor, was that She saw fit to use the slave in Her "review" section; including a link to this blog! It is such a privilege that She considered the slave worthy of being included. i hope that i can be of greater service to Her site endeavors in the future. It's been about a month since i was blessed with the presence of Mistress Kristian. It appears that She will be very busy this month as well. Hopefully, and more often than not, life will find a way to allow me to serve Her again soon. With this economy, and my professional field, finding employment opportunities closer to Her may be difficult but i have begun keeping an eye out for such an opportunity. i cannot tell the readers how much this humble slave longs to serve Her... almost the very second i am released from service. It usually seems to work itself out though... Mistress is wonderful in that regard. She truly, i believe, works to find time for Her most humble and unworthy slave. The future is a funny thing....

Continued Thoughts From 1/17 Post

2010-01-18T02:37:00.000-08:00

i am drawn, more and more, to stories on line where the slave is kept as a permanent toilet; often "built" into part of the house where it serves as a 24/7 toilet for its Mistress and whomever else She decides to allow use it.

While i understand that these writings are works of fiction as no one could live a very long lifetime in 24/7/365 toilet slavery, to a slave such as i, the concept/idea is beautifully pure. The concept of such utterly complete submission, slavery, and objectification is highly intriguing to this toilet. How could a toilet and its Owner reach a level as close to "perfect objectification" as possible? Mistress seems to enjoy the concept of viewing me as only a toilet once bound in to a device. i can't help but surmise that She too would be interested in making service to Her as realistic as possible as well. i cannot help but believe that Mistress Kristian would enjoy owning and using a pure toilet. As i mentioned in my earlier posting, this concept has been on the slave's mind for some time, though compounded since it's chastity experience. This has been the journey of the slave since it began its contract slavery. Each idea feeds another so as to feed an even better idea of object toilet slavery for Mistress Kristian. i hope that my latest idea will prove to have finally "gotten it right".... toilet chain, toilet box, finally (i hope) wider toilet box with a "body lid". A few of these ideas were already posted in my last blog update & some i have not. i wanted to explore them each in a bit more detail. Hopefully this exploration will please Mistress Kristian as She reviews them. i am very sure, given Her superiority over the slave, Goddess will have many wonderful suggestions to add. my Goddess is so intelligent and creative. The slave always anticipates with great longing Her input.

Instead of making unrealistic alterations to a home (as in the works of fiction) the box idea came to mind; painted and looking very much a piece of furniture. i truly think that enclosing the slave's body inside a piece of furniture would help significantly to get the slave in the proper mind set for its service. It should serve to bring the reality of what it truly is (and its function) to the slave... it's only contact to the outside the round toilet seat opening when Mistress raises and lowers it to use the toilet. The lid should also, i would guess, better allow Mistress Kristian to look upon the toilet as a "thing" to be used as She alone desires. A box is an object and as such, the slave bound within becomes a part of that object.

The slave also explored the idea of "guaranteed consumption" in my earlier post. A large ring gag might do the trick but it would not allow for "chewing" if required. Perhaps, if guaranteed full consumption is desired by Goddess, the nose plug idea could work and still allow the slave the use of its mouth to "process". Mistress Kristian has thus far not provided any guidance in this area and (as in all things pertaining to my slavery to Her) the decision resides solely with Goddess as i am Her property.

There has been a good deal written in this blog on chastity since my punishment. While i truly do not wish to endure it for that length (or longer) again, as a slave i must admit its virtues. Longer term chastity certainly aids the slave to get in to the proper mindset (as i experienced first hand) and as such, is both a very useful punishment tool as well as a training aid to Mistress. i feel it would be a valuable tool for Mistress to use on Her toilet to prepare it for service, especially if the service was to be long term use. (If there are new followers to this blog, please reference December's entries in regards to the slave's conclusions of the punishments and virtues of long term chastity).

Speaking is usually, and i'm sure will continue to be, forbidden. However, once the reality of the toilet's situation and the plight endured, how to keep a toilet from speaking? Mental & verbal preparation of the toilet by Mistress would help but what about punishments? Given that the slave is enclosed in a box, immediate corporal punishment would be difficult for a speaking transgression. The slave's face would still be easily accessible so there may be potential options available there. Another option is something like a TENS unit with wires fed through the box via small holes and attached to the slave's genitals. Mistress, i do not believe, is particularly interested in electro-CBT but the idea bears mentioning for Her consideration. Frankly, the idea of electro-CBT scares the hell out of this slave!!! However, this very fact is why the slave mentions it here. i'm sure it would be a very effective speech/sound control device due in large part to this fear. This slave is sure that Mistress would have plenty of ideas & ways to punish Her slave for breaking this rule. A couch doesn't talk, a toilet doesn't talk, thus a toilet slave should not speak as well. The presence of impending punishment would also serve the slave well in its "encouragement" of serving others, should Mistress desire. As a follower of this blog knows, within a few limited confines, who Mistress allows to use Her toilet slave is vested solely with Her.

The one issue i cannot seem to get around is the disposal of the slave's own waste. i think i have a solution to the slave's #1 but #2 is very problematic for long term fully bound toilet service. Short of an "adult diaper" i cannot find a way around being released from time to time to properly relieve the slave's own waste. i'll keep researching but thus far the only ideas i've found come from the works of fiction i mentioned in the opening paragraph of this posting.

True, utter, and complete long term toilet slavery has become a pervasive desire of this slave. it longs for the full and total submission of being a "true" toilet. its deepest desires and dreams not realistic but the slave continues to strive to get as close to the point of being a fully objectified toilet kept for long term use and service. The slave truly hopes to reach the point of accepting Mistress's gifts without any thought from Her at all and so used for extended periods of time. Sure, my night time "dreams" consist of being a full time full toilet but in the real world this is not possible (i don't think). However, reaching that goal as closely as possible (i.e., longer term use toilet slave) is a beautiful journey. The thought of such deep and complete submission to Goddess Kristian, giving Her the gift of full and utter use of a total toilet slave as She and She alone see's fit, is a driving force for the slave. As a Dominate Goddess and Owner of toilets, i believe that Mistress Kristian would appreciate this gift greatly.

i miss You, dear Mistress Kristian and hope all is well with You!!!

Thoughts of Objectification

2010-01-17T17:31:00.001-08:00

During O/our last meeting, Mistress Kristian and i discussed another revision to the toilet box/bench design. Hopefully the cold weather is finally breaking and it will now be possible to begin work on it. Basically it will be the same as the one i posted earlier only wider. This will hopefully allow for longer term use and more complete immobilizing bondage. The one "major" difference in this device and the others is most likely going to be the addition of a removable box to cover the slave's entire body. i envision a "lid" that can be set over the slave once it is bound on to its bench, removing the toilet slave's body from view. That way the only part of the slave that Mistress would see is its face; and only then for a brief period of time as the seat's lid is raised and lowered. Why remove the slave from Mistress view? It is this slave's hope that it will make it even easier for Her to totally objectify the slave as a "part" of the house.

Objectification has always been a key point of this slave's submissive nature and something it hopes to explore and reach as fully and perfectly as possible. However, since my chastity punishment several weeks ago, the thought of "perfect objectification" has been more and more of a driving factor in the slave's mind. i hope to reach the point that Mistress Kristian can use the toilet as She requires and desires without any regard of the toilet at all. She would do Her golden or brown as naturally as possible, without concern of Her toilet. i figure that the more the slave looks like a part of the house, the easier it would be for Her to truly view the slave within as nothing but a toilet. i often wonder about "guaranteed consumption". Should the toilet have its nose plugged or perhaps a large o-ring gag? i lean towards nose blockage as the best option but am curious. i am also curious about the length of time that a slave could subsist off of nothing but its Mistress's golden and brown. Days for sure but longer with a multi-vitamin??

i hope to find some answers to these questions. i have been doing some searching on line and hopefully the truth will also be revealed through continued service to Mistress Kristian. i dream, quite literally, of being nothing but an object for days at a time to Her. i hope that the latest design, once completed, will bring me closer to that goal.

A Complete Surprise!!

2010-01-03T17:00:00.001-08:00

Mistress Kristian blessed Her toilet slave with a most unexpected text message and gift! i had given up hope of seeing Goddess for a while as She was unable to come up for the Holidays and given Her upcoming schedule requirements. Out of the "blue" the slave received a text yesterday afternoon informing it that She would be up here today and would allow the slave the privilege of serving Her!!! What a wonderful New Year's gift for the slave and most unexpected. The only "down side" (as if anything involved in serving Mistress Kristian could be that) was that W/we would need to meet up in Her home town which meant a hotel room. As such, the toilet bench would be left at home. i was disappointed for Mistress Kristian as She would not get to experience the full "Ownership" of the slave. Of course, this did not and does not matter to the slave because getting to see Mistress under ANY circumstances is just fine with the toilet. For this slave, there is never a "down side" in seeing Goddess. Hopefully, She still enjoyed the session as well.

It was a fairly short meeting as She was pressed for time but it was yet another wonderful and interesting session! It was, to say the least, a most unusual session based upon my prior service to Goddess. In regards to being Her toilet, She only used the slave for some brown and a little golden. However, joy upon all joy, Mistress Kristian allowed Her toilet to be Her toilet paper following Her brown!!!! i cannot describe the joy the slave takes in cleaning Mistress Kristian... it is such an utter and complete privilege that is not given all the time.

Most of the session was spent talking and catching up on things. It was absolutely wonderful and a better time spent in conversation the slave cannot remember! We discussed life in general, how sorry the slave was for upsetting Her last month (it was the first time i have been able to apologize to Mistress face to face), the toilet's punishment (including some of the dreams experienced during the chastity), the slave's blog postings, and some ideas of new services / toilet benches. Mistress Kristian is so very intelligent and such a beautiful conversationalist. i was only used briefly but at least it helped to keep the slave in practice for its next full use session. However, i don't think that i will ever forget this day!!!! i hope Mistress enjoyed discussing BDSM topics, life, and future plans close to as much as i did. i believe She noticed, but i was actually "giddy" when She first arrived with the thrill of just getting to see Goddess! In so many ways, in so many depths, Mistress Kristian is truly special. This gift given the slave today by Mistress... first surprising the slave with Her arrival and then allowing time for discussions... is so very precious to this slave. i love serving Mistress Kristian. i am privileged to be Her toilet, i am honored when She "objectifies" the slave as little more than a toilet during the sessions, but today was such an unexpected change of pace. Every time i see and serve Mistress Kristian is special but today is one of those rare moments as it was not anticipated! This slave is fortunate to have been chosen as one of Her toilets but is truly lucky to know such a rare and Divine creature as Goddess Kristian!!

Side note: Mistress, i know it wasn't much, but i do hope You liked Your Christmas presents (especially the main one). You seemed to like them and i do hope that You did! It was a true pleasure to give You something for the Holidays.

Thank You Mistress Kristian!!! Thank You for the surprise gift of Your presence! Thank You for allowing time for the slave to see and serve You! Thank You beloved Goddess !!!!!

slave's Punishment - pt 3 of 3

2009-12-30T07:34:00.000-08:00

Well, the punishment period ended and thus my requirement of chastity as ordered by Mistress Kristian. It was difficult and very frustrating! However, i ended up going a "extra" day due to the state of mind that the enforced chastity induced. In the end, as i knew i would, i was weak and succumbed to my urges (during the re-reading of one of my favorite toilet slave stories). i have mixed feelings about the experience but Mistress has said that all is well again and the slave has made up for its failures. Thank You Mistress Kristian and again, please accept my apologies for disappointing You!!!

Why do i have mixed feelings? In terms of punishment, chastity is effective for sure. Especially for a slave such as i who ends up pleasuring itself to various internet stimuli often. However, it was not all "punishment" as it awakened feelings and led to further slave-awareness. i'm not sure this was the intention of Mistress's instructions, although it very well could have been given Her superior intelligence. i have written about the state of mind or "attitude adjustment" experienced as the slave progressed through its chastity in the other punishment postings. However, some points may bear repeating. i truly can see why many Mistresses feel that prolonged chastity on their male slaves is effective at slave control and torment. i "enjoyed" (probably not the correct word... more like "took pride" in) the feeling of my utter desire to serve Mistress Kristian during my discipline. Had She been available, i would have been completely desperate to serve Her. i really cannot fully describe my state of mind other than to say i was completely preoccupied with thoughts of receiving Mistress Kristian's wastes and being Her slave (toilet or any other way She saw fit to use me)!!! Well, not completely as total sexual frustration was always present, especially during my thoughts of toilet service! This, i believe, is the paradox of chastity and why Mistresses feel it effective in controlling slaves. The slave is desperate for a release and believes that the only way it would be allowed to experience it is through devoted service to its Goddess. However, as Goddess see's how compliant the slave becomes, due in part to its frustration and hope of release through good service, its Goddess decides to keep the slave in its compliant and devoted state. As such, a cycle of torment for the slave may begin. Devoted service to hopefully obtain release and kept in chastity in order to remain a devoted slave. On one hand, i feel for the slave in such a predicament and on the other, envy of the slave to be so owned by its Mistress. As a side thought to the subject of prolonged chastity, although i've never been a "cuckhold", i can see how this would be a truly effective means for a Goddess to "mentally" torture and physically torment Her slave (in prolonged chastity) as well.

As the follower of this blog probably already knows, Mistress Kristian owns the right to share me with as many of Her Goddess friends as She would like (separately, in a group, or at a Mistress party/gathering). Thus far, She has not exercised this right. The thought of being forced to be a toilet to several Women is frightening and exciting. However, i honestly don't know if i could go though it without being properly prepared. i truly think that a period of chastity would be in order to be properly prepared for such a service to Goddess Kristian (although i also hope to not have to endure such preparation and simply "put" in to such service if She should ever exercise Her right to "loan" the slave).

i am also very hesitant to reveal the following thoughts. However the slave promised Mistress Kristian, when it entered the Contract, to be open and honest in this blog about its feelings, thoughts, and emotions. i am extremely hesitant to write this because it could, possibly, come true one day. While the thought of even deeper and more dedicated service to Mistress Kristian (especially as an "objectified" toilet) is thrilling; i also believe i would come to "regret" the revelation below. After evaluating present circumstances, however, (given the current distance between Mistress & slave and Mistress's other commitments) the slave is fairly certain that it is relatively safe in revealing its thoughts. i have used the time since my punishment to reflect on my emotions, thoughts, and feelings experience both during my discipline and post-punishment. i believe that total enforced chastity on a slave provides a Mistress with full control and a greater depth of Ownership of the toilet. As such, i can conceive of this slave eventually giving up all rights and decisions regarding its sexual release (and thus enforced chastity) to its Mistress in order to gain acceptance as a frequently used full toilet! In my submissive/slave mind, i can see me giving all control of when/if i am allowed any form of sexual release in exchange for being a frequently used ("steady use") toilet... bringing Ownership and control of not only my toilet opening but my genitals as well, to Mistress Kristian. The thought is both thrilling and scary. i'm sure, if such a scenario would ever happen, i would soon come to "regret" my decision. i can foresee the circle of torment described above (dedicated service, hope for gratification, denial by Goddess to remain fully compliant, dedicated service, hope, etc) transpiring for real. This slave, i'm sure, would soon become desperate for self-release and regret ever typing these words. On the other hand, the slave would be so dedicated to Mistress Kristian and the honor of being Her toilet, i'm sure it would continue to endure. As i said earlier, the thought of such a depth of Ownership thrilling and utterly scary at the same time!!! Mistress would then not only own me as a full consumption frequent use toilet but the slave's ability to experience "physical pleasure" as well. Fortunately, given the distance and current circumstances, i feel relatively safe in the fact that this possibility will stay safely in my "masturbatory fantasies". The reality of such a situation would, no doubt, be very different than that which resides in my slave/submissive mind.

On a different note, i wish Mistress Kristian a very Happy and Healthy New Year! i hope that 2010 brings You much joy and happiness. The slave longs to see and serve You, Dear Goddess, very soon. The slave thinks and dreams often of taking its rightful place beneath You and to feel the honor of Your Ownership! Being Your toilet, Mistress Kristian, is a heartfelt honor and submitting to Your disposal requirements, a true privilege. i can only hope that soon Mistress Kristian will again have the time available to own and use this toilet as it should be used... an object to dispose of, and be nourished by, Your most Divine wastes.

Thank You for 2009, Mistress Kristian. i sincerely and with all of my being look forward to serving You in 2010.

Holiday Wishes

2009-12-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

Mistress Kristian,

i most humbly and respectfully wish You a wonderful Christmas Holiday season !!! It is my deepest hope that Your Christmas gatherings are filled with the joy of family and friends. May the coming New Year bring You greater happiness than ever before. i wish You safe travels to all Your Holiday destinations, wherever they may be.

i long to serve You, Mistress Kristian, and serve You well. my Holiday wish is to serve beneath You for many seasons to come in a manor that brings pleasure to Mistress Kristian and honor to the slave. i sincerely hope to see You before the New Year so that i may take my place beneath You to receive the gifts that You provide your slave. The time spent away from service; difficult. The rewards of service to You; great. If the slave is lucky, Mistress will have time for it next week. The slave yearns to please You with its service, continue to grow in its role, and dreams of the next meeting.

Thank You, Mistress Kristian, for taking me under Your “wing” and accepting me as a bathroom slave. i hope beyond hope to serve You before the New Year !

Merry Christmas & a Most Happy New Year !!!!!!!!!

Modified Photos... slave Bench

2009-12-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

Mistress was not particularly impressed with my initial postings of the new toilet bench. She thought that it should have shown more of the slave rather than all of the slave being blacked out. As per Her instructions, i am uploading modified photos of the slave bound for service to Mistress Kristian at O/our last session. Hopefully, there will be additional sessions/services coming in the near future! i am missing Goddess terribly. i count the days until i am again in my proper place beneath Her!!

slave's Punishment - pt 2

2009-12-20T06:33:00.000-08:00

One thing i may have learned though this experience is why, perhaps, some Mistresses elect to place their slaves in to chastity for extended periods.

my desire to serve Mistress is stronger than ever. i long, although i know i am just a slave, to feel Her sitting upon me. Although i know the only reason She would be "visiting" the slave is to deposit whatever waste She decides in to my toilet opening, it is still Her. my frustration has driven me to desire and long for my release, sure. However, i am driven to be an even better toilet for Her... my desire to consume all that is given from within Her most Devine body stronger than ever. How i wished Mistress would need to sit and deposit Her nourishing "brown" in to Her slave right now, as i write this. Of course, as i write this i am causing myself yet more frustration!! i can only surmise that this is the effect that Domme's are seeking when placing their slaves in long term chastity. my compliance and submission to Goddess Kristian's use would be all the greater in my current condition. i can only imagine, although doing so adds yet more to my frustration, my utter submission as Mistress's "public" toilet slave serving Goddess and Her Domme friends under Her watchful supervision at a gathering for as long as She chose. Not embarrassing Mistress as a Host of such a function would be a concern. In my current condition, i can only surmise i would be in the "proper mindset" to serve in such a capacity. Conversely, i am also afraid to serve Mistress in my present state! i am concerned that doing so will only lead to greater punishments. Why? i am very concerned that i would loose my "release" upon feeling Her waste entering my toilet opening. i would be truly worried about loosing control of my "release" as soon as Her brown began to leave Her Royal body... the consequences of such an action i have no idea.

i long to take matters into my "own hands" once the terms of my initial punishment are met; but then again, i am not sure i want to loose this feeling of servitude. In the end, i'm sure i will be weak and succumb to urges, once Her conditions have been met. However, i will miss the feeling as well. my only "disappointment" in this experience (other than the fact that the chastity device did not work)?? Not being able to channel my condition to serving as Mistress Kristian's toilet slave.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here are a few pics of the chastity device i purchased. Perhaps it is actually a good one and i am just not "endowed" enough to use it properly. i'd like to believe i have enough intelligence to put it on correctly.

i am wondering if this device would be a better option. It too, is found on stockroom.com. i am wondering if the leather straps would not allow for a better fit than the hard plastic ring of the device above.

slave's Punishment - pt 1

2009-12-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

Mistress Kristian advised of my punishment on Monday. i purchased a chastity device from stockroom and my punishment was to be in chastity from Monday until Sunday. Unfortunately, the device i bought was basically crap. It would either not stay secure or if it did, turned in to a testicular crusher. For the money i spent, it was very disappointing. i am in the process of looking at others and will do some research on a BDSM lifestyle site or two.

However, in an effort to please Mistress, i "enforced" chastity upon myself this week without the aid of a chastity device..... but it is certainly not the same. In some ways, it's better (maybe) and in some, not nearly as effective.

First, let me say that this is the longest i've ever gone without at least some manual "release". Usually, it's no more than a a couple days. In that regard, it has been "interesting". Unfortunately, i can't control having or not having an erection. So, my "enforced" chastity still allows for me to become aroused. This is the down side. The positive, in terms of punishment, is that i am frustrated. i don't know if frustrated is a strong enough word. Not sure if their is a word strong enough. Utterly and fully frustrated may be better, but even that does not do it justice. The nights are the worst but the days are difficult too. i find myself daydreaming at work about Mistress and the services i love to provide Her and the arousal starts. A good "waft of air" can cause arousal. i can't wait for my release. But then again, in this state, i am so much more in tune to the gratification of Mistress and being Her toilet.

It's hard to explain, but the longer i go, the more i am in utter need of being under Her. At night, i dream and dream a lot. i dream of things experienced at the hands of Mistress Kristian and those not yet experienced... of services not yet required by Mistress. i find dreams of being a "public" toilet to Mistress and Her friends to be a recurring dream. There are others as well. Of being a foot slave to Mistress and perhaps Her friends (passes from one to the other, to worship all feet in all states of scents).... once even dreaming i was to "service" another of Her slaves after its own chastity (and i do not think i'm bi and have never serviced another's "manhood"). The common thread though is the fact that i awake with an erection. An erection i cannot allow myself to do anything about because of my commitment to Mistress Kristian and Her instructions (today, my testicules began to physically ache... i'm sure a condition that is basically "blue balls" from my lack of release and ease & duration of arousal). At least if i were in actual chastity device, i would not become physically excited. Yes, i'm sure the mental would still be there but the physical would be hindered. Maybe that would make it easier. Maybe harder. Who knows. Right now i am at least experiencing a small amount of pleasure through my arousal so perhaps a device would be more difficult. Somehow, i'm sure i will find out!

2ed Attempt at a toilet slave Box

2009-12-07T17:13:00.001-08:00

i thought i would submit an update to outline my second attempt at a toilet slave bench. i think i'm close to a final design as this one worked fairly well. Given that i am a pretty wide person in the shoulders, i'm going to really need to go wider on the bench and probably the box. This may cause some additional issues, as my bathroom is only "so wide". However, i'm hoping that around 4 more inches will suffice.

The first pic is the box and plywood bench itself. The next 2 are from my last service session to Mistress Kristian. i think that overall She was happy with Her slave's efforts, though "tweaks" are still needed. Most of the light is cut out once Mistress closes Her slave in to the box, though some still comes in from the back of the box. However, Mistress is able to shut the lid and really treat Her slave as a toilet... much more so than the chair i uploaded down below. Overall, Mistress seemed pleased with Her slave's efforts, which in turn made the slave extremely happy!!! Pleasing Mistress Kristian truly pleases the slave! The best part of this journey is the efforts to become, as closely as possible, a true toilet slave to Mistress... learning new ways to be objectified by Her as an object to be used.... the goal of which is to become Her perfect toilet! i have learned a great deal thus far... of myself, my Goddess, and of the design of BDSM equipment. i am truly blessed to be in the service of the Supreme Goddess, Mistress Kristian!!!

Travels / Continued Disappoint With myself / & Gratitude

2009-12-06T15:12:00.000-08:00

i hate traveling sometimes!! i had to go to upstate NY and Canada for work last week and i always come back with a "bug". This time its a chest cold that i can't seem to kick. Nice yucky stuff being coughed up (often)!! Not sure if its the plane rides or just the change in climate but it never seems to fail to mess with my nose and chest when i go up north.

i await Mistress Kristian's discipline instructions in order to atone for my mistakes. As per Her instructions, i purchased a chastity device and i believe that this will be a factor in my punishment. i still feel incredibly disappointed in myself as a sub/slave for upsetting Mistress Kristian!! i have, from Day 1, strove to be one of Her most valued slaves and i let both Her and myself down. For this, i am truly sorry and await my means of redemption. The simple fact that i upset Goddess is punishment enough for this slave. Some say that verbal discipline can be more harsh than physical and, for me at least, i think it is true. i require of myself the best possible effort and Mistress Kristian's "words" of rebuke hurt just as a lash would; cut just as surly as a blade. i truly love to serve as Mistress Kristian's toilet slave! It has been one of the deepest experiences of my life. i am honored to receive Her wastes (especially Her brown deposits) and consume Her wastes in to my body. Some people may think of it as a "sexual fantasy" and for some, it is. For me, though, it is much deeper than that with Mistress Kristian. It is more of a deep feeling of service and the worship of a true Goddess. Sure, at times there is a bit of a sexual arousal during my service. This is why i wear my Kali's Teeth chastity device (uploaded in November for anyone who doesn't know what it is) during my toilet service. However, often i do not begin to get hard. The service i am performing for Her is much deeper and gratifying than a simple "sexual charge". i would be just as happy, just as fulfilled, through the my service session with my pants kept on! If i should get "excited" though, i am happy that i am bound, most likely with the Kali's on, and unable to "pleasure" with myself. i should not receive a sexual reward! my reward, as it would be for any TRUE toilet slave (not just a toilet games player), is the intimate and useful service i am providing to Mistress Kristian by giving Her a slave to deposit Her waste in to rather than a conventional commode. She deserves to sit and use a slave. She deserves to have the superiority over Her slaves to use them for one of the most submissive of acts in the BDSM scene. She deserves to have Her waste worshiped and consumed by Her slaves. Goddess Kristian deserves the use of toilet slaves!!! It is my deep honor and privilege to provide Her with a toilet slave to use.

my shoulder, which the reader may recall as one of the contributing factors to my failing Mistress, is still not 100% but getting better. i've got an appointment with a GP physician (can't see the orthopedic guy without a referral). i think its fine, at least for the short term. However, in speaking with some other people, they thought it might not be a bad idea to see a Dr and get the ball rolling. Perhaps a little physical therapy will be required but if it helps to post post shoulder surgery for many more years its worth it!! i know someone who just let things go and what could have been fixed with a little PT became a real pain in the ass shoulder surgery later in life. i guess i shouldn't be so stubborn but i hate going to the Doctor. Always have. Part of me thinks i should be tough enough to not need them and just deal with it. We'll see what he says i guess. May be nothing but a little time to heal up and a few exercises.

11/22 & 11/23 Service: Post 2 of 2

2009-11-23T16:39:00.000-08:00

i was going to make part 2 of the post thoughts and commentary on the session itself. However, it seems i really screwed up and Mistress is quite pisses at Her slave. Fortunately, there will be some discipline forthcoming (i will be told the exact nature tonight) and thus the slave will have an opportunity to make amends.

i made 3 dumb moves, well, 2 moves and 1 physical issue. Mistress had said, before She went to sleep, that She would be up around 9 or 10. At 10:30, this stupid slave entered Her room and respectfully awoke Her to see if She overslept. As i said, a stupid move!! The slave thought it was doing right at the time but now understands how stupid it was. The slave compounded the issue by entering the bathroom after She finished Her shower and left, not thinking that She would need to return for additional requirements (make-up, etc). After entering the bathroom, the slave took its place in its slave bed which has angered Mistress greatly. She would have much preferred to be alone. Again, not smart on the slave's part. i offer no excuses or explanation. Mistress is upset with Her slave's actions and the slave does not wish to anger Her more by offering its thoughts. The slave's thoughts (or even motivation) are not important. What is important is that Mistress is upset with Her slave. The last issue that upset Mistress was the slave verbally moaning & moving around too much in its slave bench toilet chair. Again, i offer no excuse. The situation was created by the slave entering the toilet bench on its own (without the help of Mistress Kristian) which put a significant pressure point on the shoulder of the slave (which was re-injured in a fall a few weeks ago). Again, the slave is totally at fault for moving around too much trying to find a better spot that did not cause shoulder pain. The slave should have not entered the bench itself (without the extra assistance afforded by Mistress). The slave also should have used its "Yellow" safe-word rather than fidget about. At least then the slave would have been given permission to speak and let Mistress Kristian know of the situation. It was stupid on the slave's part to have not done so.

The session itself was an honor as always. The bright spot for the slave was being able to flush a larger than usual amount of "brown". The slave had trouble with Mistress's "golden" last night, which is again unacceptable!!! All must be flushed without delay. For some reason, the slave did better with the brown than golden.

This slave offers its deepest and most sincere apologies to Mistress Kristian for angering Her. The slave awaits its punishment to offer amends to Mistress Kristian and to further prove itself to Her. Even more than a whip or a slap, Mistress's words of displeasure to the slave was amazingly effective. For a slave such as i, who truly takes pride, honor, and meaning in pleasing its Contract Owner, strong words of displeasure cut just as a knife would. i am deeply, truly, and whole-heartedly sorry for my stupidity, Mistress Kristian. The only comment the slave will make is that all it did it did in good faith in an effort to try and please Mistress Kristian. The effect was not as expected and therefore, unacceptable. Good intentions or good faith mistakes are still screw-ups and thus unacceptable for the slave's service. The end result is the most important and the end result was a series of screw-ups by the slave.

Please forgive me Mistress!!!! i will learn and grow from my mistakes!

11/22 & 11/23 Service - Post 1 of 2

2009-11-23T15:12:00.000-08:00

This will be a 2 part post to the blog.

First off, as the reader may know from postings below, it has been a little while since my last service to Mistress Kristian. This weekend was a true blessing! i was able to serve Mistress as Her toilet Sunday night and Monday morning. The wait was well worth it... seeing my Beloved Goddess always is!!! Part 1 of the post is for discussion of my "chastity" before seeing Mistress. i was placed in "chastity" beginning Friday morning first thing. Now, "chastity" is in quotes as i was not wearing a long term device but was forbidden to obtain any self pleasure. At times, i did use my chastity device that Mistress enjoys imposing on me during my toilet service... a Kali's Teeth. This is not able to be worn in day to day living but is amazingly effective during service. Kali has a heck of a bite.

The though of serving Mistress... being under the most Devine bottom i have ever been privileged to serve, was almost too much for me to bear. Many times, thinking of seeing Goddess & being the vessel of Her waste disposal, i nearly lost control of myself. Someone may be wondering how She would even know if i did. She would know!! If Goddess asked, She would know because i cannot lie to such a Divine creature as Mistress Kristian. i would have had to have told Her and suffer Her disappointment. And, for that matter, i would know. Thankfully though, i never lost my self control. The momentary pleasure was no where near worth failing Mistress. Disappointing Mistress Kristian hurts more than any lash could!

By the time Mistress arrived, i was in a fairly "difficult" state. She did not instruct Her slave to worship Her feet while W/we caught up on things (thank goodness). In my state, with Her Goddess feet, would have proved to be a very "stressful" task. Once in service, She used the Kali on me as usual except for a period this morning. The ironic part was the only time i didn't try to get aroused in service was when i was not wearing the device. i found (and still do) find that fact to be thought provoking. i don't know if subconsciously i knew i'd get in trouble if i did or if my mind had too much respect for Mistress to potentially disrespect Her in such a way (i have no idea how She would react to such an occurrence). i will continue to reflect on the result and perhaps come up with a better conclusion. Once Kali was on, especially during my use, i again tried to get aroused. Of course, then "she" bit as Kali always will.

For those who do not know what a Kali's Teeth chastity device is, please see below......

11/16 Update

2009-11-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

As part of my contract to Mistress Kristian, i am to do at least 2 updates per month.

i am sorry to report that thus far this month, i have nothing new to report in regards to my service to Her. i have not seen or served Mistress since Oct 4th. As such, i suppose the only update i have is one of disappointment in not being able to serve since. i have, to my knowledge, done everything asked of me by Mistress. i hope i have not upset Her. i am to report on emotions though, which was one of Mistress Kristian's instructions prior to entering this year long contract. my emotion right now is one of disappointment (at not being able to serve Mistress Kristian for so long) and borderline depression (i miss Her so). Hopefully She is just very busy and W/we will make up for lost time. Prior to the contract, Mistress & i seemed to be getting very close. Each time we saw each other the D/s relationship seemed to be deepening. i still adore Mistress Kristian as much as ever but at times i cannot help but wonder if She is not as interested in me as a slave as She once was. i really hope this is not the case. i truly thought that Mistress would take more of an interest in Her slave and that W/we would explore greater depths of toilet service but for some reason, it seems to be the opposite, at least in the short term. Like i said above, hopefully She is just busy with moving in to a new place and this is a small glitch that will be resolved soon. i'm sure if i could be used by Her for a longer period of time i would feel better. i just miss Her so much.

The only other update i have is that i finished my second design of a toilet slave bed & box. i think this will work very well when i do finally get to see Mistress. i'll post pics soon on another update.

Ready for Service

2009-10-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

i always await my service to Mistress Kristian with great anticipation and never feel more "alive" than when bound as a human toilet. i feel great gratification to be looked upon as an object to dispose of Her divine wastes... alive when considered property to be used... senses completely on edge and in tune when bound to await my function... full of pride and privilege when everything is flushed with efficiency.

i am ready to serve....

A New (and Unexpected) Honor

2009-10-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm not sure what to say exactly. It would appear that my slave relationship with Mistress is progressing to a whole new level. For my next service to Mistress, She has told me i am to serve as Her toilet slave for (2) 24 hour periods.... 2 full days!! This is a significant development in my slave training, service, and life!! Mistress is a wonderful Owner and is caring of Her slave. Given this significant progression, there will be a break in the 24 hour periods... Mistress is concerned to not "overwhelm" Her slave. Although i am Hers, She is such a caring and compassionate Mistress when it comes to Her slave's long term well-being.

i was truly in shock at Her revelation. Shocked and excited!! i had hoped to further progress in O/our D/s relationship and truly cannot believe She has such faith in Her slave to serve Her in such a manor. i am nervous of not living up to Her standards while at the same time determined to serve in a manor consistent with Her superiority. i want to please Mistress and be Her most perfect slave. i'm sure that for most of the time, She will not consider me as much more than a toilet and my heart beats faster, my breath more rapid, at the thought! i only hope i truly please Her!! Mostly though, i am truly honored. This is by far the greatest privilege Mistress has thus far bestowed upon Her slave and a dream i thought would never go fulfilled. Being a toilet for Mistress Kristian is difficult but such an honor! i think i'm probably rambling but i am actually having trouble putting all of my emotions in to words (not usually a problem). i guess i can sum it up as as excitement, fear, reluctance, anticipation, honor, and gratitude all rolled in to one. i know that i am a toilet slave and feel truly blessed to have found Mistress and been deemed worthy enough to be a contractual slave to Her. i honestly count the days until service. i will make sure to do what ever it takes to prove my worth to Mistress. To be Her ultimate toilet slave!

Thank You beloved Goddess !!!

slave m425

Toilet Bench / Bed

2009-10-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

i thought i would post a pic or two of my current toilet bed on which i am bound to serve Mistress. A brief description of how i came to this design is under my profile. It has only been a couple weeks but already i am missing being of service to Mistress Kristian. Hopefully i will soon be in service to Her again.

Musings

2009-10-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

Had an "interesting" dream last night. i have no doubt it was based, at least in part, in my deep-felt desire to serve Mistress although probably not truly "do-able". Mistress came to me and told me of Her desire to modify O/our contract. i was to be Her complete toilet slave. Mistress said that if i decided to accept, my life would change significantly. As a reward to the slave (and Herself), i would be used by Her anywhere from 2 to 8 or more days per month (full days, full toilet service... 18 to 24 hours per day). She told me i was being made in to a real life toilet to Her. However, for this privilege, i would give up any right of "release" without Mistress's permission. i would live my life in chastity. i would be given the opportunity for release in some form or fashion, but only with Mistress's approval and only when She released me from chastity. i would not be able to have a relationship with anyone, in such a state. Any release would be by my own "means" or at best, i'd have to pay someone for the privilege or maybe, just maybe, but not likely at all, She would provide a manual release to Her slave (though a painful price would have to be paid for such an honor). Such would be my lot... the honor of being Her total toilet would come with a heavy price indeed. Perhaps She would let me make Her feel good from time to time with my slave mouth, but again, given my status as a slave, chastity would be enforced. mine would be mostly a life of deep frustration with sporadic allowances of pleasure. She felt that i should take pleasure in my service to Her, not through my own body.

Back to reality.....

How did i ever get so lucky to find a Mistress such as my Goddess, Mistress Kristian. i sincerely feel a deep sense of privilege and honor and shear luck to have found such a wonderful Mistress to serve. She is everything a slave such as i could wish for. Unbelievable beauty on the outside, even more so with Her new breasts. As beautiful as She is on the outside, Mistress is 100 times more perfect on the inside. Her spirit, warm attitude, and stern affection of Her slave is beyond compare. Thank You so much, beloved Goddess, for choosing to put Your "collar" around me. Never did i think i would find someone such as Mistress Kristian. i honestly don't know what i have done to be so absolutely fortunate to have found and been chosen by You to serve You under contract. i ache to serve You... to please You, Mistress Kristian. The gifts You bestow Your slave from deep within You are my nourishment; my substance. Thank You from the bottom of my heart, Mistress Kristian, for choosing this unworthy slave!!

Saturday Service to Mistress

2009-10-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day although it was also disappointing as well. my beloved Mistress Kristian came to use Her doting slave yesterday (me). It had been far too long since i was last allowed the honor of looking upon Her supreme being. Mistress is my Goddess, my Beloved, and my Owner. She is my past, present, and future. The past several weeks have, in fact, been pure torture for this slave, having been denied the honor and privilege of serving Her, being used by Her… just being in Her presence!! Looking upon Her as She made Her way in through my door, i can honestly say i felt my knees become weak. Kneeling at Her feet, as She sat in the chair chatting with this unworthy slave, made my heart race. There is no where else in the world, a more divine creation than Mistress Kristian!! Even more so now. Her breast surgery afforded Her the most perfect breasts imaginable. She is the personification of perfection… in body, mind, spirit, and soul. Last night, reflecting upon my service earlier in the day, i had to chuckle slightly. A thought kept coming to mind… a scene really. i was reminded of the stories and movies of old… Cheverly of the 20’s or 30’s i think. The scene often went something like this: A woman and her escort were in need of crossing the street, stepping off a curb or something. However, there would be a mud puddle in her way and if she would step in it, her shoes would be ruined. Her escort, a man usually as well dressed as she, volunteered to help out by putting his coat over the puddle, thereby keeping her shoes (and her entire appearance) intact. This scene kept popping in my head as i continued to dwell on my devotion to Mistress Kristian. But no, just laying my coat over the puddle would not do. For Mistress, to keep Her from soiling Her outfit, shoes, and feet, i would in fact lay myself over the puddle and thus create a “human bridge” for Her to walk on. Such is my devotion to Goddess. Sure, laying my coat would serve the purpose, but for Beloved Mistress, i would always go the extra mile. Why would i just lay my coat down when She could walk across me, Her human bridge, guaranteeing She would stay “high and dry”.

Mistress had decided to use me as Her toilet for a few hours Saturday… 3 or 4. i never know how long She will ultimately keep me. i am a slave and do not need to know such things. my function is to serve Her, for as long as She desires. As is the norm, Mistress bound me to my bench beneath the toilet chair and placed the Kali’s Teeth chastity device on my slave cock. If i get too hard, it will bite very cruelly. Honestly, i was very uncertain what the day would hold. Mistress had expressed some interest in punishing me today as well and i honestly figured i’d be feeling Her lash or some other means of discipline. i had not allowed myself any sort of release over the last couple days in preparation of Her visit. i will be purchasing a chastity device very soon for just such a purpose. Just Her touch... the brush of Her bare leg against my skin as She bound me, Her soft hand touching my member as She applied the device… coupled with my lack of release over a few days… caused Kali to start bitting hard. That bite would only get worse. Unfortunately, Mistress had a bit of diarrhea it seemed. She chose to not use me for the first bowel movement because of this… She was concerned that it would be too much and overflow i suppose. However, She also did not have me clean Her after She was done. Why?? What had i done to displease Her were my thoughts. Am i not worthy to clean Her after using the bathroom?? Would Mistress not rather use Her slave as Her “paper” rather than cold scratchy toilet paper?? i truly felt useless to Mistress as She turned out the light in the bathroom and left. If i’m not good enough to consume Her waste or at least clean Her afterwards, what good am i kept going through my mind. However, Mistress did come and sit a short time later… depositing more of Her brown. Some were solid and some liquid but i at least felt useful again!! Oh, and my did Kali bite this time!!!!!!! i have never become so arouse during my toilet service. i don’t know if it was the lack of use the first time, the fact i am getting much better at consuming brown with no issue, or the fact i had been longing to see Her for so long but whatever the reason, i tried to become harder than i had in a long time. And did it ever hurt !!! i even tried to will it to go down... no luck. i felt honored at receiving the pain though. Such should be my fate for Mistress. There should be a price to be paid if i receive pleasure… this time in the form of Kali pushing hard against my shaft with her sharp points as i felt the pleasure of becoming aroused.

This was the first time i can say i truly enjoyed the taste of my Mistress’s brown waste. i still had a little trouble once but overall no problem swallowing. i honestly did enjoy the taste of my Mistress’s brown gifts in a unique way. The taste had not changed; i think that it’s the slave that is changing. Mistress used me again and this time a very full amount was given Her slave! i felt more like Her toilet than ever before. Once, She filled my mouth with a large amount of solid mixed with some liquid brown… just like a real toilet and i was able to flush it very well. However, i think it concerned Her a little and She finished in the regular toilet. And again, She wiped Herself rather than use me… back to feeling very inadequate! It is such an honor to clean Her... i know She finds it enjoyable... and not being allowed to give Her this gift really screwed with my mind. Is Mistress not happy with me??? Mistress left me for a while, bound of course in the toilet chair, to get Her nails done. i really missed Her while She was gone. i constantly strained to hear Her return. It is very lonely… bound waiting on Her return... hoping She will come to see and use me when She returns… anything to see Goddess!! After who knows how long, it felt like an hour or more, She came back. But… Mistress did not use me at all. i felt so worthless again… does She not need to use Her toilet??? i found myself wishing She would come in and punish me if She didn’t need to use the bathroom. Anything to just be around Her rather than just laying in the semi-dark of the bathroom wishing for Her. i would have gladly accepted any pain She dished out… anything to have Her around me!! Anything to be of use to Her!!! Shortly thereafter, the session ended and i again took my place at Mistress’s feet. It was very strange to not receive any of Her golden wine during my service!! It was a first I’m sure but a byproduct of Her using a conventional toilet as well as me.

It was a very wonderful session on many fronts... lots of “mind f$#*ing” it seemed. Why was it also disappointing?? Mistress was, as She always is, WONDERFUL!!!! i was disappointed in my abilities, my usefulness, my function. Mistress felt that i would not be able to handle all of Her gifts given Her state. i was very disappointed in myself that my abilities did not place confidence in Her that i would serve well. i so deeply want to be Your perfect slave, Your perfect toilet, dear Mistress, just as You are already the perfect Owner. A perfect toilet slave for You so that You may deposit everything without regard and know it will be flushed. Please accept my deepest apologies Mistress for my failure as a toilet slave to You. You deserve perfection and i shall provide it with my utmost being. You are perfection… my ultimate Owner.You, in Your compassion, chose to not use Your slave for all of Your requirements. Thank You for Your compassion, Mistress Kristian!! You are such a wonderful Dominate! But please accept my apology for failing to be Your ultimate toilet!!!

Thoughts & Best Wishes for Mistress

2009-09-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

Mistress, i sincerely hope You are feeling better. i am very sorry that You were not feeling up to using me today. As soon as You are up to it, i would love to be Your toilet.

Being a toilet slave is mostly about managing boredom. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and for a toilet in service, i have to agree. Bound to my toilet bench, waiting for Mistress to need to use me, is the ultimate in anticipation. With nothing to do but wait for Mistress to place Her Goddess bottom on my face to relieve Her requirements, my senses seem to be on edge. Every sound, listening intently, is amplified. Wondering when She will need me drives my every sense to strain… wondering when/if i will see Her. Then, excitement… Mistress comes in to use the bathroom. She doesn’t regard me, only turns and sits. my function is clear… i am only useful to Her to consume Her waste. i am the ultimate in recycling. All to quickly, She is done. After cleaning Herself (or me cleaning Her), she pulls up Her pants and She’s gone. All to quickly, the object of my adoration is gone. But it is always worth it. To see Mistress, to be Her object of waste disposal, if only for a few seconds is bliss. Mistress, i am Your toilet… Your object that You use for Your benefit.

Thank You Goddess

Background

2009-09-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

i doubt that anyone will be following this blog except for my Owner, but just in case, a little background and warning is in order.

i am a slave to Mistress Kristian, under contract to Her for at least one year. i have known and served Mistress as a sub for around a year part time as a Pro Domme and it has been an outstanding experience. About a month ago, Mistress approached me with an amazing proposal. Rather than continuing with pro type sessions, She offered me unbelievable option of being a real, contractually obligated, slave to Her. Now, here's where the warning comes in... most often i am a toilet slave to Mistress.. a FULL toilet slave. For anyone under 18 or those not familiar with what i am speaking of, please leave and find out before following!

i know to most that this is an "unorthodox" or "gross" type of slavery but to me, and many others in the lifestyle, it is the most submissive of services and a true honor to be owned as such a slave to a Goddess such as my Mistress. However, within a few confines of the contract (such as STD health, etc) Mistress owns the right to who uses me and how. i am not just a toilet to Her but also can be disciplined as She desires, worship Her as She desires, and be loaned or used by who She chooses. i am not bi, but Mistress owns the right to force that as well.

More often than not, She will be the only one who uses me, though. She has to right to have me serve several times a month from anywhere from 4 hour to multiple day sessions as a bound toilet. Mistress will bind be on a bench beneath a toilet chair and only consider me when She needs to rid Her body of some type of waste product (solid or liquid). i must consume all of what is given or suffer Her disappoint and wrath.

i am filled with nervous anticipation of the coming year. How will i do? What all will She require? Will i meet Her standards? However, more than anything i am filled with a deep sense of honor and privilege. i've often dreamed of such a situation but never though it would be fulfilled and especially by a Goddess of the Royal caliber of my Owner. i may never ask to have any type of sexual relations with Mistress. She will let me know if and when that is desired but truth be told, being Her full and without limit toilet holds great gratification to me. Taking a part of my Mistress Kristian's body in to mine, consuming Her waste as my nourishment, provides a deeper sense of honor, respect, loyalty, and gratification than most "vanilla" people can possibly know. It is exceptionally difficult, sure. Especially the brown sometimes. But it is a part of my Goddess from deeper within Her than anything else could be. She is my royal Goddess Owner.

Sure, Mistress is very beautiful. A Goddess on the outside but She is so much more on the inside. Her attitude.. Her very soul... helps complete me. She is so much more beautiful on the inside than even Her stunning looks are on the outside. Being an object that such a heavenly creature uses to rid Her body of its waste products is more of a privilege than most ever know. Outside of a session i am a person but once the "collar" goes on, i am an object for Her use. my only reason for being is to serve Her as a foot stool, foot cleaner, toilet, etc. i give myself over to Her with excitement and honor each time. She is so far above me that to only be something She uses is a deep and utter privilege. She has already become so much to me that words cannot describe how deeply grateful i am that She has chosen me to be one of Her real-life toilet slaves. i am sure that as the year progresses, i will become even more of an object to Her but my hope is to become one of Her most prized possessions!!

Why am i writing this blog?? As a condition of my contract, i must post at least 2 updates per month as to my feelings/emotions/progress as a slave. i must say that it was a wonderful idea by Mistress... though She is always full of wonderful ideas.

Thank You so much for this opportunity, Mistress Kristian!! i adore You fully and completely!!! i shall obey all commands and accept with open arms Your dominance over me... Your view of me as little more than an object to be used by You... Your living toilet bowl.

Your adoring and humble slave

slave m425

First Post

2009-09-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

my first post for Mistress Kristian to view & review. i sincerely hope everything goes according to plan tomorrow.

More to follow... this is a "test"