Feeling Very Unworthy

Sometimes i wonder, truly wonder, if i am at all worthy to be Maitresse's toilet slave. Maitresse blessed Her toilet with Her presence on Friday. She seemed pleased with the new toilet box other than the fact it was a little too tall. i can fix that and then do a new slave bed. This should be the final design. However, my service was a disapointment to Her and ever since i've been having feelings failure, unworthiness, and fear (over being allowed to continue to serve Goddess)

i did not do well, and Maitresse's feedback was, as always, direct and brutally honest...... "I have been disappointed in your consumption of golden. Very much so, actually. And the gagging, we also need to work on eliminating that as much as possible because it is distracting to me" .... Regular training will fix the gagging issue and i have some ideas regarding golden and swallowing quickly in the box. Basically, i'm going to work with bottles of water while laying down to work on my swallowing proficiency without closing my mouth. i think that this will help immensely. i so want to be a "great toilet" and am scared of loosing Maitresse. i have made Her an offer of including punishment in O/out sessions (physical punishment/pain). i'm not what i would consider a "pain slave" and have very limited experience in such activities. However, i am scared of loosing Her and if my suffering helps atone for my failures and keeps my Beloved Goddess happier with Her slave, She has every right to punish me... harshly if necessary.

A while back, Maitresse had me purchase a CB-6000 chastity device. It is better than the CB-2000 i bought for my chastity punishment a while back. i was instructed on Friday to put it on and keep it on for 7 days. It has been difficult to say the least. i usually find a release each day and enjoy internet porn. i have limited my porn intake because of this effort to help ease my frustration. It is frustrating, to say the least. i think of Maitresse often and of being Her toilet. i so long for the pleasure of my hand while reading stories of toilet slavery! But, i must say once again, that male chastity is highly effective slave training. my heightened sense of need... my longing for release and pleasure... would make me a much more compliant and focused slave. i cannot imagine what it would feel like to serve Maitresse after such a period of chastity... especially if She traded the CB for the Kali's Teeth once service began. i can't help but feel that i would be a better serving slave due to my denied desires. Maitresse holds one key and i still have the other. Other than during some showers (but not all), a couple hours of yard work, and during my working hours, i have been locked since Friday afternoon around 5 or 6 (i think). At night and early morning are the worst! i wake up trying to get aroused and the morning arousal denied as well. i can only imagine what it's like for slaves in chastity for months and (according to internet writings which may be fiction) years.

i hope Maitresse still "enjoys" Her slave. i am so scared of loosing Her! More than anything i want to please Her as Her toilet. Hopefully i'll find a way. i hope the practice i'm going to try is effective. Pleasing and serving Goddess means the world to this toilet slave!!!


This is the chastity device box. i've been going back and forth regarding publishing a photo with it on. i'll defer to Maitresse. If instructed, i'll be more than happy to publish a photo or two of the device on.