Well, the punishment period ended and thus my requirement of chastity as ordered by Mistress Kristian. It was difficult and very frustrating! However, i ended up going a "extra" day due to the state of mind that the enforced chastity induced. In the end, as i knew i would, i was weak and succumbed to my urges (during the re-reading of one of my favorite toilet slave stories). i have mixed feelings about the experience but Mistress has said that all is well again and the slave has made up for its failures. Thank You Mistress Kristian and again, please accept my apologies for disappointing You!!!
Why do i have mixed feelings? In terms of punishment, chastity is effective for sure. Especially for a slave such as i who ends up pleasuring itself to various internet stimuli often. However, it was not all "punishment" as it awakened feelings and led to further slave-awareness. i'm not sure this was the intention of Mistress's instructions, although it very well could have been given Her superior intelligence. i have written about the state of mind or "attitude adjustment" experienced as the slave progressed through its chastity in the other punishment postings. However, some points may bear repeating. i truly can see why many Mistresses feel that prolonged chastity on their male slaves is effective at slave control and torment. i "enjoyed" (probably not the correct word... more like "took pride" in) the feeling of my utter desire to serve Mistress Kristian during my discipline. Had She been available, i would have been completely desperate to serve Her. i really cannot fully describe my state of mind other than to say i was completely preoccupied with thoughts of receiving Mistress Kristian's wastes and being Her slave (toilet or any other way She saw fit to use me)!!! Well, not completely as total sexual frustration was always present, especially during my thoughts of toilet service! This, i believe, is the paradox of chastity and why Mistresses feel it effective in controlling slaves. The slave is desperate for a release and believes that the only way it would be allowed to experience it is through devoted service to its Goddess. However, as Goddess see's how compliant the slave becomes, due in part to its frustration and hope of release through good service, its Goddess decides to keep the slave in its compliant and devoted state. As such, a cycle of torment for the slave may begin. Devoted service to hopefully obtain release and kept in chastity in order to remain a devoted slave. On one hand, i feel for the slave in such a predicament and on the other, envy of the slave to be so owned by its Mistress. As a side thought to the subject of prolonged chastity, although i've never been a "cuckhold", i can see how this would be a truly effective means for a Goddess to "mentally" torture and physically torment Her slave (in prolonged chastity) as well.
As the follower of this blog probably already knows, Mistress Kristian owns the right to share me with as many of Her Goddess friends as She would like (separately, in a group, or at a Mistress party/gathering). Thus far, She has not exercised this right. The thought of being forced to be a toilet to several Women is frightening and exciting. However, i honestly don't know if i could go though it without being properly prepared. i truly think that a period of chastity would be in order to be properly prepared for such a service to Goddess Kristian (although i also hope to not have to endure such preparation and simply "put" in to such service if She should ever exercise Her right to "loan" the slave).
i am also very hesitant to reveal the following thoughts. However the slave promised Mistress Kristian, when it entered the Contract, to be open and honest in this blog about its feelings, thoughts, and emotions. i am extremely hesitant to write this because it could, possibly, come true one day. While the thought of even deeper and more dedicated service to Mistress Kristian (especially as an "objectified" toilet) is thrilling; i also believe i would come to "regret" the revelation below. After evaluating present circumstances, however, (given the current distance between Mistress & slave and Mistress's other commitments) the slave is fairly certain that it is relatively safe in revealing its thoughts. i have used the time since my punishment to reflect on my emotions, thoughts, and feelings experience both during my discipline and post-punishment. i believe that total enforced chastity on a slave provides a Mistress with full control and a greater depth of Ownership of the toilet. As such, i can conceive of this slave eventually giving up all rights and decisions regarding its sexual release (and thus enforced chastity) to its Mistress in order to gain acceptance as a frequently used full toilet! In my submissive/slave mind, i can see me giving all control of when/if i am allowed any form of sexual release in exchange for being a frequently used ("steady use") toilet... bringing Ownership and control of not only my toilet opening but my genitals as well, to Mistress Kristian. The thought is both thrilling and scary. i'm sure, if such a scenario would ever happen, i would soon come to "regret" my decision. i can foresee the circle of torment described above (dedicated service, hope for gratification, denial by Goddess to remain fully compliant, dedicated service, hope, etc) transpiring for real. This slave, i'm sure, would soon become desperate for self-release and regret ever typing these words. On the other hand, the slave would be so dedicated to Mistress Kristian and the honor of being Her toilet, i'm sure it would continue to endure. As i said earlier, the thought of such a depth of Ownership thrilling and utterly scary at the same time!!! Mistress would then not only own me as a full consumption frequent use toilet but the slave's ability to experience "physical pleasure" as well. Fortunately, given the distance and current circumstances, i feel relatively safe in the fact that this possibility will stay safely in my "masturbatory fantasies". The reality of such a situation would, no doubt, be very different than that which resides in my slave/submissive mind.
On a different note, i wish Mistress Kristian a very Happy and Healthy New Year! i hope that 2010 brings You much joy and happiness. The slave longs to see and serve You, Dear Goddess, very soon. The slave thinks and dreams often of taking its rightful place beneath You and to feel the honor of Your Ownership! Being Your toilet, Mistress Kristian, is a heartfelt honor and submitting to Your disposal requirements, a true privilege. i can only hope that soon Mistress Kristian will again have the time available to own and use this toilet as it should be used... an object to dispose of, and be nourished by, Your most Divine wastes.
Thank You for 2009, Mistress Kristian. i sincerely and with all of my being look forward to serving You in 2010.
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